Smart Mother

8 Steps for Planning a Baby Shower

2008-04-01T16:41:00.000-07:00

Think you can't plan a baby shower? Think again! The tips below will help you plan a fun, fabulous and memorable baby shower that will be greatly appreciated by the mom-to-be and enjoyed by one and all.

Are you planning a baby shower? Good for you! A baby shower is the perfect way to shower the mom-to-be with love and support and help her celebrate one of the most exciting times in her life. But if you've never planned a baby shower, you may not be sure where to start. Don't worry - you're not alone. Lots of other women have been in the same boat you're in, wondering just where to start. The advice below is designed to guide you through the steps involved in planning a successful baby shower.

Select the Date and Time

The baby shower is usually held about six weeks before the baby's due date. However, some mothers are electing to have the party after the baby is born, especially if they choose not to find out the baby's sex beforehand. Just be sure to allow yourself plenty of time for planning. Showers can be held on either weekends or during the week - there really is no hard and fast rule. Just try to make the time and day convenient for everyone including any out-of-town guests. As for the time, consider the needs of people who must travel to attend. Also be sure to keep in mind the mother-to-be's schedule (naps, doctor appointments, etc.).

Choose the Location

When choosing a location, make sure it is easy to get to and will accommodate the needs of the party. Oftentimes, baby showers are held at the home of the hostess (that would probably be YOU!). Try to get a rough idea of how many people will be attending before finalizing any details.

Set a Budget

If you're like most of us, you'll need to stick within a budget for the baby shower. Be realistic about what you can afford to spend - the mother-to-be doesn't want you to go into debt. You should budget for invitations, favors, food and drinks, game supplies and your gift for the baby.

Create a Guest List

The best way to compile the guest list is by simply asking the mother-to-be who she would like to attend the shower. If the baby shower is a surprise, work closely with the father-to-be to create a guest list. The guest list usually includes friends and family, but a few close co-workers may also be invited. Get address, phone numbers, and email addresses. Also decide if it will be a "girl's only" shower or a "couples" shower.

Choose a Theme

Baby showers are supposed to be fun - and yes, even a little silly. There are hundreds of delightful and fun baby shower themes to choose from - the sky's the limit. And honestly, sometimes "Baby" is the only theme you need! No matter what theme you choose, just remember this will be the baby's first party. Have fun with it!

Select Invitations

Invitations can range from a phone call to a printed invitation, but generally, fun invitations are sent out. If you've selected a particular theme, you may want the invitations to tie in to it. Remember to include all necessary contact information and baby registry information on the invitations.

Plan the Menu

Unless you're hosting a couples baby shower or a very formal baby shower, you're probably fine with serving a cake, mints, nuts and some drinks such as tea or punch. However, if the shower will fall during a mealtime, your guests may expect you to serve more substantial food. In that case, you can serve anything from sandwiches to a potluck type meal.

Decide on Games

Into each baby shower, a few games must fall. Seriously, these baby shower games, although sometimes quite silly, can be lots of fun and are actually expected. Just take a look at our Baby Shower Games, or throw a few of your own ideas into the mix. And don't forget the favors!

Using the steps above will help ensure the baby shower you're planning goes smoothly, but above all, remember to have fun with it as you honor the mother-to-be and her impending arrival.

About Author: Heather L. Clark is a Web writer and researcher.

Childproofing Your Baby’s World

2008-03-29T00:24:00.000-07:00

By Ann Douglas

It’s only natural to want to protect your baby from harm—to protect her from the inevitable bumps and bruises. The key to babyproofing your child’s world is to learn how to see your home through your child’s eyes. “It’s a matter of developing a safety sense—of constantly asking yourself, ‘What could happen in this situation, and what can I do to either prevent it from happening or minimize the injury?’” explains Valerie Lee, President of the Kitchener, Ontario, based Infant and Toddler Safety Association.

While it’s unrealistic to think that you can prevent every single accident from happening, there’s much you can do to make your baby’s world a safe and secure place. Here’s what you can do to eliminate the major hazards in a typical home:

Every room:

- Keep a set of emergency telephone numbers beside each telephone—not just your main telephone.

- Keep curtain and blind cords out of baby’s reach.

- Keep high chairs, cribs, and furniture away from windows, appliances, and other potential hazards.

- Keep children away from baseboards and portable heaters.

- Use plastic safety covers and cord locks on electrical outlets.

- Install babyproof latches on drawers and cupboard doors.

- Place window guards on all second-storey windows.

- Attach bookcases and tall dressers to the wall to prevent tipping and avoid placing heavy items on top.

- Keep a fire extinguisher near each exit to your home.

- Store lighters and matches out of your child’s reach and change the batteries in your smoke detector at least twice a year (whenever you move your clock forward or back).

- Store medications and cleaners in their original containers so that you’ll be able to identify which products your child has consumed in the event of a poisoning.

- Wipe up spills promptly and avoid area rugs, which can pose a tripping hazard.

- Avoid leaving your child and your pet alone in the same room.

- Keep your cat’s litter box in a part of the house that is off-limits to your child.

Halls and stairways:

- Hang a shelf near the front door so that Grandma can keep her purse (and her heart medication) out of your toddler’s reach while she’s visiting.

- Install wall-mounted baby gates at the top (and, if necessary, the bottom) of each set of stairs.

- Keep the stairs free of objects.

- Get rid of your drycleaning bags as soon as you bring your drycleaning into the house. Tie them in knots and toss them in the trash.

- Install door alarms on all exterior doors.

Nursery:

-Get rid of any crib that was manufactured before September 1986.

- Tighten the screws in your child’s crib and check to ensure that the sides of the crib are still firmly locked in place.

- Inspect your baby’s crib mattress to ensure that it’s still in good condition. Replace it immediately if it’s too soft, too worn, or it doesn’t fit the crib snugly.

- As soon as your child learns how to stand in her crib, drop the mattress to the lowest setting and remove any bumper pads and large toys.

- Put your child is fire-retardant sleepwear rather than regular clothing at bedtime.

- Check that the safety strap on your baby’s change table is still working properly, and get in the habit of using it whenever you’re changing her diaper.

Remove any drawstrings or cords from your child’s clothing in order to reduce the risk of strangulation.

- Keep the diaper pail out of reach of your child or purchase a model with a child-proof latch.

- Avoid baby products such as walkers which have been manufactured for the U.S. market. They may not meet Canadian safety standards.

- Place a decal on your child’s window to let firefighters know that there’s a child in that room. You can obtain such decals from any child safety supply store.

- Avoid using decorative plug covers in your baby’s room. They’ll only encourage her to touch the electrical outlets.

- Move rocking chairs and gliders to another part of the house as soon as your child becomes mobile. They can pinch fingers or otherwise injure a baby or toddler.

- Regularly inspect your baby’s pacifier for signs of deterioration. According to Health Canada, pacifiers should be changed at least every two months.

- Tie a small parts tester (a.k.a. “choke tube”) to your baby’s change table. That way, you’ll know where to find the tube whenever you want to test whether a particular toy contains parts that are small enough to pose a choking hazard. (If you’re away from home, you can use a toilet paper roll instead. It’s slightly larger than a choke tube, but it’s best to err on the side of caution anyway.)

Bedroom:

- Never leave a baby or toddler alone on your bed.

- Never place a baby on a water bed.

- Don’t allow a child under the age of six to sleep on the top bunk of a bunk bed. The risk of falls and/or suffocation is simply too great.

Bathroom:

- Check the temperature on your hot water heater. According to Safe Kids Canada, most water heaters are set at 60° C or higher rather than the 49°C that most safety experts recommend.

- Fill your child’s bath with a few inches of cold water and then add hot water until the bath has reached the appropriate temperature.

- Don’t rely on a bathtub seat to babysit your baby for you while she’s in the tub. The suction cups on the seat could suddenly release and your baby’s face could go under water.

- Use bath mats in the bathtub to reduce the risk of slipping.

- Lock all medications (including vitamins) in your medicine chest or—even better—store them in a small cash box or medium-sized fishing-tackle box that can be locked and then stashed on the top shelf of your bedroom closet.

- Keep mouthwash, shampoo, cosmetics, and other toiletries out of your child’s reach.

- Equip the toilet seat with a childproof latch.

Kitchen:

- Check that the base of your baby’s high chair is wide enough to be stable, and check that the chair’s safety harness is still functional.

- Use placemats rather than a tablecloth at your kitchen table.

- Don’t hold a baby or toddler when you’re eating or drinking anything hot.

- Keep stuffed animals and other flammable toys away from the cooking area.

- Turn pot handles toward the back of the stove and only cook on the back burners.

- Keep cords for kettles, toasters, and other electrical appliances out of the reach of children.

- Organize your kitchen cupboards so that the items that are of the greatest interest to your child (e.g. cookies!) are the farthest distance from the stove.

Keep knives, can openers, and other sharp items out of the reach of children.

- Learn which foods (e.g. whole grapes, hot dog wieners, carrot sticks) pose a choking risk to babies and toddlers, and either chop the foods into smaller pieces or avoid them until your child gets a little older.

- Be careful if you heat your baby’s food in the microwave. Stir the food thoroughly and check the temperature carefully before serving it to the baby.

- Keep household cleaners—including dishwasher detergent—out of reach of children.

Family/Living room

- Discard any broken toys that have developed sharp edges or that could present a choking hazard.

- Ensure that any toys that require batteries have child-safe battery compartments (e.g. ones that can only be opened with a screwdriver).

- Make sure that your toy box is safe. It should have a safety hinge to prevent the lid from closing too quickly and it should have ventilation holes to ensure that your child will be able to breathe if she happens to get trapped inside.

- Make sure that the mesh on your baby’s playpen is fine enough to prevent a button from catching—something that could pose a strangulation risk.

- Use a fireplace pad on your fireplace hearth and keep your child far away from the fireplace while it’s being used.

- Put your vacuum cleaner away when it’s not being used so that your child won’t accidentally hurt her fingers or toes with the beater bar.

- Position floor lamps so that they’re out of your child’s reach or pack them away entirely.

- Place table lamps towards the back of the table and wrap the cord around the table leg for added stability.

Laundry room:

- Store laundry products out of your baby or toddler’s reach.

- Never allow your child to play around the washer or dryer.

Basement:

- Store paint thinners and other harmful substances out of your child’s reach.

- Ensure that woodworking tools are kept in a locked room or cabinet.

Garage:

- Teach your child that the garage is off limits.

- Ensure that your garage door is equipped with a safety feature that will cause it to go back up if it comes into contact with a person or object.

- Store tools, pesticides, automotive parts, and other hazardous items out of your child’s reach.

- Check that your child’s car seat is installed properly in your vehicle.

Backyard:

- Keep the BBQ away from your child’s play area.

- Ensure that your pool area is properly fenced (the fence should be at least four feet high and should surround the entire pool) and that the gate on the fence is both self-closing and self-locking.

- Check that your child’s playground equipment is safe and well anchored. You can find a detailed playground safety checklist at the Safe Kids Canada web site.

- Empty your child’s wading pool whenever it’s not in use.

- Ensure that her sandbox has a lid to keep neighborhood cats out.

- Keep your child away from any poisonous plants or weeds that are growing in your hard.

DISCIPLINE VS. PUNISHMENT

2008-03-17T06:24:00.000-07:00

by Jody Johnston Pawel, LSW, CFLE

Discipline is different from punishment because it teaches children to learn from their mistakes rather than making them suffer for them. In fact, imposing suffering actually shifts the focus from the lesson that needs to be learned to who is in control. As a result, punishment focuses on the parent being responsible for controlling a child's behavior, rather than the child controlling his/her own behavior, which is the focus of discipline.

In Positive Discipline, Jane Nelsen offers guidelines for using consequences, which she calls the Four R's of consequences. These four R's actually apply to all discipline techniques, not just natural and logical consequences. Whatever discipline technique you choose, make sure it meets the following four criteria:

Whenever possible, REVEAL the consequences of misbehavior ahead of time so children will know what to expect the next time they choose to misbehave.

"If you want to ride your bike, you need to stay on the sidewalk or I'll know you've decided to put it in the garage."

Notice how the responsibility for the behavior and its effect are on the child rather than the parent. Can you tell how different this sounds than if the parent said, "Don't go in the street or I'll take your bike away." First of all, this wording gives the child the idea to go in the street (See "Don't say Don't!" July 1993 T.I.P.S.) then challenges the child to test the rule by wording it like a power threat.

The discipline should be logically RELATED to the misbehavior. Sending a child to bed or restricting a child from TV has nothing to do with riding a bike in the street.

resent your comments in a RESPECTFUL manner that lets children know they have a choice about how they behave.

"When I see you riding your bike in the street, I know you're not ready to ride it safely and need to put the bike away."

Notice how different this sounds than, "That's it, get out of the street! I'm taking your bike away for the rest of the day! You could get killed out there!" When we speak to children in disrespectful ways, they respect us less and tend to talk back at us disrespectfully more often. We earn others' respect by showing respect to them first.

Provide a REASONABLE solution that will allow children an opportunity to correct the behavior while the lesson is fresh in their minds.

"You can try to ride your bike again on the sidewalk after lunch."

Notice that the time limit was a matter of hours, rather than days. Always make the time limit as minimal as possible, but long enough to emphasize the lesson. Also, notice that the correct behavior was presented as a choice. The parent is respectfully revealing the discipline again before giving the child another chance.

Each time the child violates the rule, increase the time limit gradually. If you restrict children from a bike for a week the first time, they'll spend more time dwelling on their resentment than thinking about the lesson. If they make the same mistake again, they're likely to lose the bike for a month! Children need practice at being good -- and we need to be honest with ourselves and decide whether our goal is to teach positive behavior, to show who is in power, or to get revenge.

If any one of the Four R's is missing from the discipline, it turns the technique into punishment, which has Four (new) Four R's: Resentment, Rebellion, Revenge, and Retreat (lying, learning to not get caught, running away). If your child reacts in any of these ways, review how you presented your discipline. Chances are, one of the Four R's of Discipline was missing. But don't worry, children always give us another chance to learn from our mistakes

Jody Johnston Pawel is a Licensed Social Worker, Certified Family Life Educator, second-generation parent educator, founder of The Family Network, and President of Parents Toolshop Consulting. She is the author of 100+ parent education resources, including her award-winning book, The Parent's Toolshop. For 25+ years, Jody has trained parents and family professionals through her dynamic workshops and interviews with the media worldwide, including Parents and Working Mother magazines, and the Ident-a-Kid television series. Jody currently serves as the online parenting expert for Cox Ohio Publishing’s mom-to-mom websites and also serves on the Advisory Board of the National Effective Parenting Initiative.

What to Avoid When Meeting His/Her Parents

2008-03-17T06:18:00.000-07:00

By: Peter Portero

Whether you’ve been dating your partner for many months, or even if it’s your first date, the first meeting with his/her parents can be a nerve-racking and uncomfortable endeavor. As the old dandruff commercial says, “You only get one chance to make a first impression.”

This rule of life is especially true when meeting the duo who thinks no one is good enough for their “baby”.

Don’t dress tacky

On the day of the meeting, carefully plan your wardrobe. Always pick attire that is comfortable for you, such as jeans and a sweater, but not so casual that it becomes inappropriate- like (for women) cleavage or a belly-button ring on display. For men, avoid low-hanging pants that definitely give parents the “punk” impression.

No trash talking

Secondly, make sure that your dialect and conversation project the well-rounded, intelligent person you are. In other words, no cussing like a sailor, or using so much slang that the parental figures can’t decipher what you’re trying to say. Save that kind of chatter for friends and when you are alone with your partner.

Keep your hands to yourself

The touchy feely-ness of a new relationship is cute, but it’s cuter behind closed doors. Clinging, making out, playful punches, etc., may be kosher in front of parents on down the road, but for the first meeting, it’s a definite no-no. Additionally, it may embarrass the heck out of your partner.

About the Author:

Meet Thai Girls through our site.

Practical Tips for First-time Grandparents

2008-03-17T06:12:00.000-07:00

By: Lori Anton

Becoming a first-time grandparent is exciting. An event many people look forward to with great anticipation in later life. The first snapshot that reaches your anxious hands, the first time holding your grandchild’s tiny, sweet-smelling body in your arms. The first time hearing the long awaited words “grandma,” or “grandpa” from cherub lips all will make your heart melt with pride, joy, and love.

Whether you live a great distance away, a few towns over, or just around the block, you can have a very positive impact on your grandchild’s life, become an important role model, and be of great help to your daughter or son – new in their role as a parent.

First Things First…the New Parents

To ensure that things get off to a good start it is important to consider the following: How much help and advice is too much? After all, you don't want to overwhelm new parents, not yet comfortable or confident in their new role as parents. Or make it appear as though you question their competence.

To avoid possible offense, it might be best to offer advice sparingly, except when specifically asked. Once the new parents understand that your motive is genuine, and not because you think they are not doing a good enough job, they will relax and better appreciate your unique role as grandparent.

It is also a good idea not to criticize the efforts of your child in their role as parent – or the efforts of their spouse. Unless the child’s safety, health, or emotional well-being is at risk, at which time helpful suggestions instead of pointed criticism will produce better results. Remember, your goal is to help create a happy and loving environment for your grandchild, not one marred by hurt or resentment.

That aside, let’s looks at the many positive ways you can add to the quality of your life and that of your grandchild, at the same time benefiting the lives of others involved.

Building a Special Bond with Your Grandchild

As a grandparent, you have the golden opportunity to play a very important and positive role in their life – now, and in years to come.

If you live nearby, one way to spend quality time with your grandchild is to baby sit, as time and health permit. This not only provides you precious moments alone with your grandchild, but new parents benefit from time off by themselves. It is healthy for parents to take a “breather” every now and then, and what better person to care for the baby than you, the grandparent?

Babies love to be rocked. They also enjoy pleasing sounds; singing softly is soothing to a baby, and creates a sense of contentment. The more you talk and sing to your grandchild, the quicker they will learn the sound of your voice, the sooner they respond with gurgles and giggles every time you enter the room.

The Joys of Reading

Toddlers and young children love to be read to. Snuggling down in a chair with your grandchild, reading, laughing, and giggling together builds a closer bond between you and your grandchild. It also helps the child develop listening, reasoning, and language skills.

Select interesting, age-appropriate stories, ones with plenty of bright, colorful pictures. Choose stories that stress good moral values, and teach life-lessons. After reading the story, ask your grandchild questions about the story; discuss what happened, what the character did or did not do, and why.

Educators frequently emphasize the importance of the first three years of a child’s life. The size of their brain grows 90%, new skills are learned, and their unique personality blossoms. Engaging a young child in conversation encourages them to share their thoughts and feelings. Reading to them piques interest in literary works early in life. Both facilitate good communication and socialization skills.

Long-Distance Grand Parenting

Even if you live a great distance away you can still have a big impact on your grandchild’s life. Precious moments visiting back and forth will feel all too short; but such visits will be precious and time spent together remembered with fondness.

When grandchildren do visit, lots of hugs and planning a special activity together is important. A trip to the park or playground, playing a game, sharing a banana split at an ice cream shop all offer the opportunity to talk and share; filling in the missing months or years between visits.

Distant grandparents can also take advantage of modern technology; the Internet, fax machines, and telephones. Cell phones – especially those that allow the exchange of pictures – are great and help bridge the miles.

E-mailing pictures and messages over the Internet is an inexpensive, convenient, and fun way to maintain daily contact. Computer programs that allow voice messages and digital cameras for on-the-spot photo sharing enhance exchanges and are the next best thing to actually being there.

At Savvy-Baby-Gear.com, we know that grandparents have the potential to impact their grandchildren’s lives in very tangible ways. They also have a marvelous opportunity to teach grandchildren about family history; linking the past with the present, giving that child a deep sense of belonging.

About the Author:

Lori S. Anton has been a published writer for nearly 30 years. She is founder and editor of Writers Write Now, offering original professionally written SEO custom content, quick content, and free content for web sites.

Natural Childbirth A Direction Of Choice

2008-03-13T23:57:00.001-07:00

By Daniel Millions

We have two beautiful daughters, aged 3 and 4. We also have the memories of two natural childbirth experiences we will always treasure. Our first attempt at a natural home childbirth was almost a complete success. Almost meaning we had to go to the hospital for the final two hours before delivery. The complication was that when Laura's water broke, the meconium level in the waters was too high (meconium is normally stored in the infant's intestines until after birth, but sometimes it is expelled into the amniotic fluid prior to birth during labor).

By law, when the level is too high, the midwife must abort the home birth and proceed to the hospital. An emergency baby team must be on hand at birth in case the baby has received some infection. Kaelyn was in perfect shape though, born at 4:35 am. We were back home by 8:00 am. A totally drug free birth. Although Kaelyn was born in the hospital, the experience of going through the majority of the experience together, in our home, with a very caring and wonderful midwife guiding us is so special.

The experience really helped to bond us in ways I don't think would have been possible in a hospital environment, not for us anyway. Our second natural home childbirth was a complete success. Laura's labor was about 12 hours long this time. It went by so fast, our calculations of time between contractions were a bit off, mainly because we had this longer period of going through this phase in our minds. Our midwife was waiting impatiently for our call. It was her who called us to find out what in the world was happening and after we explained she raced right over. It appeared Laura was already quite dilated and baby was on the way. Huh? I was totally unprepared. The same pool which was set up again in the basement had hardly any water in it yet. It takes long as you go through several hot water tanks full to get enough in it for mommy. The previous labor I had it timed to a tee. It was ready and waiting for Laura. Not this time. What do I do, I cried to the midwife? "Get the bathtub ready!" she replied, in her usual logical and calm fashion. The bathtub was covered in baby art-scribbles from bathtub crayons.

I raced in, removed the glass shower doors and ran them downstairs. I had to disinfect and scrub down the tub and shower enclosure. The second midwife arrived and I did all I could to keep up to their requirements and requests. Before we new it Laura was in the warm water deep in concentration and calm breathing techniques. The warm water (an exact temperature maintained at 36- 37C) visibly helped Laura get into a deep relaxed state. They say the pain killing benefits of the warm water can be similar to Demerol. After witnessing her state in the tub that night, I believe it. The midwife's orders continued. "Turn up the house temperature! Where can Laura lie down near the bathroom to nurse after the birth? Get Laura more water to drink! Put some more warm wet towels on top of her! As I struggled to pull up a queen sized mattress from the basement to lay on the floor in our fireplace room, I could hear Laura. "Tell Mark to get in here and get the camera, the baby is coming.

The next second it seemed, I was in the bathroom with a video camera in one hand and a still camera in the other, just in time to see my second daughter come into the world...under water. A perfect birth. I was even steady enough this time to cut the cord. Before I new it Laura was on the mattress with baby Talia in her arms, wrapped up tight and warm with her little white toque on her tiny head, waiting for her first feeding. Laura on the phone to her mother in Argentina telling her the good news. A scene so similar to the many childbirth videos we had watched in our classes with the Doula. A dream come true. I was so proud of Laura. I still am.

A couple of hours later, Talia met her big sister. Natural birth is the delivery of a baby without using drugs or surgery during birth. What we learned in our natural childbirth classes is that "birth is a natural process, not a medical procedure." Unfortunately, a radical concept for most doctors, but it is a true fact nonetheless. You really can have a beautiful, drug-free experience in childbirth if you have your baby in a hospital or at home. It is wherever the mother is most comfortable. Take the time and learn about all of the advantages of natural childbirth when you take a class such as those offered by Doulas in your area. Natural childbirth is much better for the mother. The mother has a completely different experience during birth if she is not drugged - a significantly more fulfilling and beautiful experience. She also feels much more in control of her body and the health of her baby. Natural childbirth is also much better for the baby. The baby arrives in an un-drugged and more active and alert state.

Try to find birth videos, showing the differences between drugged and un-drugged babies immediately after birth. Un-drugged babies are active and responsive. Drugged babies can barely move. A video of birth, from all types of birth, can be a very powerful and enlightening decision making tool. When an alert and active (un-drugged) baby is placed on the abdomen of an alert and un-drugged mother, an amazing thing happens: the baby and mother bond in a more solid and real way. The baby will naturally find the breast and begin feeding. This simply does not happen when mother and child are drugged, and as a result breast-feeding starts off on a much rockier road. Prepare and think about this early on in pregnancy.

You will not have a natural childbirth in today's society unless you take active steps to make it happen. Read and learn about the almost non-existent need for caesarean section procedures in places of the world where home and water births a practiced regularly. You and your spouse must decide in your own minds that you want a natural birth. You must find a midwife or doctor who supports your decision. The first time you look into birth plans, the number of options are confusing. Once you have done the research into the type of birth you want you will be focused and confident.

You will be ready to manage pain and know exactly what to do at different stages of the birth. With the right preparation and support, you'll feel empowered and deeply satisfied by natural childbirth. It was a choice we would not hesitate to make again. It is a choice we will always recommend. A direction of choice we will always cherish.

Video of birth, Video of labor & birth and Family Guy Posters
Source: isnare.com

How To Raise Active Kids

2008-03-13T23:53:00.000-07:00

By Bill Parsons

No one likes to see a fat child. We automatically assume that they are spending all their free time in front of the TV with a box of Twinkies and sodas. Unfortunately, fat kids are a fact of life in America today; and if you don't want your own kids to join this growing population, it's necessary to take steps that will ensure that they are healthy, active, fit kids who can do anything. Take Baby Steps If you have a baby at home, chances are you aren't trying to get them to practice their swing or catching abilities.
You can, however, give them plenty of opportunities to exercise. For the very small, "tummy time" is an effective and appropriate form of exercise. Spending time lying on their tummies is important – it helps the little dears strengthen their neck muscles so they can support those heads.
For older babies, giving them opportunities to stand at the furniture, bounce in a bouncy seat or even time to roll around on the floor will help to ensure that they are fit. Toddlers and young preschoolers can (once they've learned to walk and run) and will run everywhere they go, and handing them a ball or soft toy to carry with them will help improve their coordination. School Days When the kids have reached about 4 years of age, they can begin to participate in more structured physical activities.
Sign them up for trial classes in different activities like swimming or gymnastics to see what types of exercise appeals to them most. If you start kids early enough, exercising will always seem to be a pleasure and something fun that they want to do. Finding the right fit may be a challenge, but it can be done.
What's more, it will never seem like "exercise" which is, for many of us a dirty word. Extracurricular Sports Once you and your child have found a sport or two that is of interest, sign him or her up for a season of play. Many sports transition well for kids – soccer, touch football, baseball and softball come to mind right away. Kids can even play basketball; adjustable baskets make it easy for the smallest athlete to achieve success on the court.
Practice WITH your child at his or her chosen sport. Getting mom and dad in on the play helps your child's performance and won't hurt mom and dad, either. Attend practices (if feasible…some coaches like for parents to keep at a distance), scrimmages and games. Show your support by being there to cheer for your child and the team. This impresses the importance of exercise on your child, and since these little tykes live (for awhile, at any rate) to please us, they'll lap it up and keep playing. Be positive. When it occurs that they don't win the game, reassure your child. He or she has done their best, and if not, they'll do better next time. The point is not to win or lose, but to play, have fun, and be fit.

basketball hoops and basketball goals Whether it's an outdoor basketball hoop for your driveway or an indoor basketball hoop for a D1 arena, you can find the hoop for you here. Shop basketball hoops today!
Source: isnare.com

Shopping For Affordable Children's Clothes

2008-03-12T21:37:00.000-07:00

By Daniel Millions

Most families live on very strict budgets and because of this must learn to make sacrifices and live frugally. However, children grow really quickly and need new clothes quite frequently despite their parents income. Therefore, buying clothes from a local retailer at full price is just not an option for many families. Yet, there is no reason why families have to dress their kids in hand me downs. The following tips will help parents learn to shop effectively for attractive clothes at rock bottom prices. Sales: The best way to shop for children's clothes is to shop when the clothes go on sale.

This may seem quite obvious, but there are ways to save even more money when clothes are on sale. Many times stores offer sales and then additional discounts for seniors or for certain days or times of the week. Find out when the additional discounts are offered and shop during these times. Doing so could save you an extra 10 to 20 percent, and when you are on a tight budget every dollar helps. Look for the end of the season sales, too, and you will find clothes on sale for up to 75 percent off.

That is a huge savings for families and a great opportunity to stock up on clothes for all the children at an amazing savings. Shop Ahead: Another tip for buying affordable kids clothes is to shop ahead. This goes along with the shopping sales suggestion, but takes it a step further. Many times parents will find clothes on sale at great prices, but they are the wrong size. Take advantage of the sale, anyway, and go ahead and buy clothes for the next year. You will save a great deal of money and have clothes for the kids when the next year or even two rolls around.

Shopping ahead is a money saving tip many budget minded families use. Gently Used: Many parents do not like the idea of buying used clothing, but it is a great way to save a lot of money. Not to mention, kids outgrow their clothes so quickly that most used clothing is in excellent condition. There are many auction sites where members list lots of children's clothing for sale in different sizes. In addition, many community websites have free classifieds where families list their children's clothing for sale, too.

This is great for the families selling the clothes and an amazing bargain for those buying them. Do not forget to check out consignment shops for kids clothes, too, because many times there are new or near new clothes at very affordable prices. Buy One Get One Deals: Many stores, especially shoe stores, periodically offer buy one get one free deals. As a parent on a budget look out for these deals or even call the different stores to find out when this deal will be offered. It will help you schedule your shopping to get the most for your money and this is definitely worth doing.

Of course, there are many ways to find a good deal and each individual may have some tried and true methods that really work for them. The tips listed here are just a few ways to find a good deal for children's clothing, but it works for other items the family needs, too. Those looking for savings in their monthly budget should implement these tips and they will certainly see savings because of it.

What Does Your Child Really Need From You?

2008-03-12T21:34:00.000-07:00

Margaret Paul, Ph.D.

Most parents want to be good parents. Yet parenting is one of those things that does not have hard and fast rules. So how do we know what to do? How do we know what will support our children in being all they can be?

One of the most important things for parents to do is to learn to trust their own intuition. Your feelings tell you when you are on course or off course in your behavior with your children. When things feel right inside, then you know that you are being a truly loving parent, and when they feel wrong inside, you know you are out of alignment with what is in your highest good and your children 's highest good.

I remember my mother telling me that she used to put her fist in her mouth to stop herself from crying and from picking me up when I was an infant and cried. She had read in Dr. Spock that babies should not be picked up when they cry, that it is good for their lungs to cry, and that she would spoil me if she picked me up. But her insides were telling her the opposite - that babies cry when they need food, changing, or love. It is so sad that she followed Dr. Spock instead of her own inner knowing.

Now research has proven that babies who are not picked up when they cry become more dependent and insecure than babies who are kept with their mothers. In other countries, babies sleep with their parents until they no longer want to, feeling safe all night. In our country, most babies are alone at night, some crying themselves to sleep. This is not only sad, it is not healthy for the baby.

So the first thing your child needs from you is to trust your inner knowing rather than any book you read.

Your child needs your loving presence - not your busy preoccupied presence. For your children to feel important to you, they need to feel you fully present with them - reading to them daily, playing with them, holding and comforting them, and listening to them.

Your children need for you to create a healthy environment for them by feeding them healthy food, restricting screen time - TV, computer, video games - and making sure they play outdoors and get enough exercise. They need your encouragement to develop their hobbies and interests. They need you to try natural remedies before resorting to drugs for illness, so that you don't set them up for more illness with the side effects of drugs.

They need for you to be a good role model of self-care. Children need to see their parents taking full responsibility for their own feelings instead of being victims and blaming others. With this role modeling, they will also learn to take full responsibility for their own feelings. Learning and practicing the Inner Bonding process that we teach will support you in becoming this loving role model for your children.

Children also need you to be a role model for care of the environment. My daughter told me that my 3-1/2 year-old grandson got very upset with the checker at the market for using a plastic bag. "No, no plastic bags! It 's bad for the environment!" he told the checker. By role modeling caring for our planet, we can raise children who are much more conscious of taking care of our environment.

Your children need to see you being connected with a spiritual Source of love, peace and wisdom in order to naturally connect with their own higher power. By developing your spiritual connection, they can learn to have their own.

What do your children really need from you? They need you to learn to be all you can be so they have the role modeling and permission to be all they can be.

About the Author

Margaret Paul, Ph.D. is the best-selling author and co-author of eight books, including "Do I Have To Give Up Me To Be Loved By You?" and �Healing Your Aloneness.� She is the co-creator of the powerful Inner Bonding� healing process. Learn Inner Bonding now! Visit her web site for a FREE Inner Bonding course: http://www.innerbonding.com or email her at margaret@innerbonding.com. Phone sessions available.

Thinking Other Mom's Homes Are Neater Than Yours!

2008-03-12T02:06:00.000-07:00

By Jennifer Tankersley

Do you ever visit other moms' homes and wonder how they keep it so neat? Do you ever sit around in your own home with toys strewn over the floor, laundry piles (both clean and dirty) beckoning for attention, and three meals worth of dishes stacked next to the sink and wonder why you are the only mom on the planet who cannot keep up with her home? If you answered yes to either of these questions, then you may be suffering from "TOMHANTY" Syndrome (Thinking Other Moms' Homes Are Neater Than Yours). The symptoms of this terrible disease are guilt, envy, stress, and even withdrawal (did I mention guilt?). You look around as you walk from room to room wondering how it could have gotten so messy since yesterday. You believe that the new friend you just made from your weekly visit to the library could never let her house look like a tornado just went through it. You are sure that your friend whose house you visit occasionally for a scheduled playgroup would never have dust bunnies the size of . . .well, a bunny.

Welcome to the Real Moms Club, where it is not just about being a mom, but being real and knowing that you don't have to be a perfect housekeeper. Maybe in the days of our grandmothers when society said that kids could roam unsupervised and free around town, but a mom's house was a reflection of who she was as a woman. Today, there is a different set of priorities for many moms, and a perfect house is not usually the highest on the list, although we still imagine we are being judged on everything from how we raise our children to how much education we pursue to how great a job we land and finally to how tidy we keep house. Moms of today are stretched and pulled in many directions. Life is rarely as simple as a clean house. Stop telling yourself that you are not a good mom because your house is not always as neat as you think other moms' homes are. Most moms are struggling to keep up as well.

What is the cure to TOMHANTY Syndrome, you ask? Well, you could drop by a friend's house unannounced with the pretext of delivering some home-baked cookies; you could watch her face turn beet red with shame as she turns to survey the wreck of toys, laundry, and dishes behind her; you could listen to her offer up every reason why her house is in such disarray; or maybe you could just take me at my word when I say that you are not alone. Release your guilt by making a list of what you DID accomplish today: got kids dressed, dropped kids off at school and picked kids up after, washed and folded a load of laundry, paid bills, took dog to vet, fed family for the day. It all counts toward making your house a home in which your family can grow and feel loved.

Jennifer Tankersley is the creator of List Mama Blog: Lists of Lists for List-Lovin' Mamas and ListPlanIt.com where you can find 250 lists and planning pages including cleaning schedules, daily to do lists, grocery lists, and holiday/party planning to put your world in order.

What Kind of Lessons Do SuperMoms Teach Their Kids?

2008-03-11T22:27:00.000-07:00

By Aurelia Williams

If you hear someone described as a "supermom", immediately you think of someone who is good at everything that she does. She is the mom who manages her household flawlessly while working a full-time job and carpooling kids to after-school activities. A "supermom" is a mother who puts the needs of her family above her own and wants to be that dependable person who volunteers on every school committee.

Basically, a "supermom" is a mother with an overextended schedule and rarely does she do everything well.

Parents are the best and most important teachers in their kids' lives and very often kids will watch and imitate what their parents do, even if it seems as though they don't listen to what their parents say. So let's deconstruct the fictional supermom character and see what lessons her children may be learning from this behavior.

A supermom generally does not ask for help, hence the reason why most moms still do all the cooking and cleaning, even if they work a full-time job. The reasons for this may vary, from their spouses think running a household is still "women's work" to the kids are too busy with homework and activities.

Supermom's children who watch this behavior will start to think that: someone will always take care of me; it's a show of weakness to ask for help; or it's a woman's job to do everything for her family. This is an unbalanced view of life, especially for the college freshman who is now living on his own and can barely manage because mom has always cleaned up after him. This same son may also expect his own wife to take care of everything, which could lead to marital problems.

Someone who is in the supermom trap feels the need to volunteer or help everyone who calls, whether it is for family, church, or school. Learning how to say "no" to some of these obligations is tough but worthwhile because it will lighten supermom's schedule.

Children naturally question if they can have everything or participate in every activity. They have a natural curiosity to try something new or to continue lessons in which they excel. But if supermom has trouble saying no to her own commitments, then she will also have trouble limiting her children's schedule. While after school activities are fun and exciting, if they cause a student's grades to suffer, then cutting back should be a priority.

Saying "no" to certain activities also teaches the children that there are limits in life and that you cannot participate in everything. This is common sense from a monetary viewpoint as well as from a time viewpoint. Also, learning how to say "no" will do children well when faced with such issues as teen sex or peer pressure.

Another trouble spot for supermoms is that everyone else's needs come before their own and they rarely get the time to do something fun for themselves. This can drain your energy to always be giving to everyone in the family but it can also affect one's self-esteem, thinking that your needs and your fun ideas are not important.

Parenting experts agree that children suffer from low self-esteem in record numbers so it's important to give validity to their original ideas. Even if you think a certain activity will be boring, give it a try for your child to show him or her that their ideas matter. If they want to paint their room black, make a compromise and paint one wall black. If parents always tell the kids what is good or bad, they will hesitate to voice their own opinions in adulthood.

Many women who deem themselves "supermoms" may hesitate to change their habits, thinking it is too difficult or that they are too important to a certain committee. These supermoms need to realize that even though the road may be difficult, the reward will be great when their children see their mother taking care of herself and can spend quality time with them.

Aurelia Williams is a certified life coach and author of Don't Fall Into The SuperMom Trap

The ABCs of Parenting and Stress Management: 26 Ways to Get Through the Most Trying Days

2008-03-10T20:31:00.000-07:00

By Dr. Robyn J.A. Silverman

Trying to cope with a toddler tantrum on an hour’s worth of sleep?

Battling with your teen about staying out to late?

Nobody said that parenting was going to be easy, but come on!

Don’t you wish that someone gave you the manual for parenting and stress management when your little bundle of joy was born?

Arm yourself from A to Z with 26 tips that will get you through the most trying days:

A- Accept the things you can not change: Single parenting? Step parenting? ADHD parenting? Just dealing with time crunches, making lunches, bunches and bunches of bills? It’s important to recognize that there are some things you can not control, surrender, move on.

B- Breathe: When things get hairy, scary, and you feel like you can barely hold on, take a step back, breathe, and be calm.

C- Count your blessings. Even though you have the weight of the world on you right now and feel far from compassionate for others who have things much worse than you do, there is some value in taking a moment to look at the things that are going right today, such as your child’s tantrum-free morning or how your spouse took out the trash…

D- Decompress. Believe it or not, there are many who do not know how to take a break. Some parents don’t even realize that it’s okay to take a break. Take time out to read a book, go out or simply hang out with family or friends. A happy parent is much more productive than a crabby one.

E- Eat nutritiously. We take care of everyone but ourselves…working, chauffeuring, monitoring homework, cooking and so on. Remember to eat breakfast and be sure to eat more than just a power bar for lunch! Nourish your body so you can nourish your mind so you won’t go crazy on top of everything else.

F- Focus on the big picture. Does it really matter that your child insists on wearing his Spiderman pajamas to the supermarket again? You’ve heard it before. Don’t sweat the small stuff (and yes, this is small). When choosing between Spidy and sanity, choose sanity.

G- Go to the gym. Do yoga. Step outside and take a long walk. Take a martial arts or dance class. Just get your body moving. Exercise will not only keep you fit and healthy to do the best parenting job you can (not to mention keep up with the kids) it will also help to clear your mind.

H- Hang up the phone. Sometimes we spend more time on the phone than with the kids, and then we wonder why they act up while we’re on the phone. Reserve some “family only” time so that the kids won’t feel so deprived of your attention and when you do need to converse on the phone, you’ll be able to without interruption.

I- Identify the kind of family you are aiming to be. Have you ever sat down with your family and actually discussed the kind of family you aim to be? Respectful? Kind? Supportive? Discuss those Powerful Words! Get your family together, discuss and create the vision as a team so everyone is on board and knows what they are trying to achieve.

J- Joke around. Don’t take everything so seriously! What makes your hair turn gray today will likely make your face turn beet red with laughter one day down the road.

K- Kiss, hug and show affection. Affection is such a simple thing that can make your family feel more secure as opposed to feeling like they need a therapist! Set the precedent for your family and show that you appreciate one another.

L- Listen to your family. Your children have great stories to tell. Your significant other has dreams about the future. When we listen, we expand our minds and catch all the subtleties that otherwise pass us by. Listening enables us to know what to say and when to say it.

M- Make time for family fun. Shuttling between extracurricular activities all the time? Remember that it’s important to take time out for family fun. Take a vacation, have a family game night, go for a bike ride together. It’s important to do something together and that everyone will enjoy.

N- Negotiate time for the couple. We all love spending time with the kids, but it is just as important for the couple to spend private time together. Rekindle your love every week, whether it’s going out to dinner alone or spending time cuddling while the kids are at Grandma’s house.

O- Open your mind to “the opposition.” You and your partner are a united force, however you may not always agree. Take time to listen to the points of the other person and come to a compromise.

P- Play with your friends. Go to a movie, play golf, go to lunch! Having some adult company, conversation and laughs will make the days more pleasant and manageable.

Q- Quiet your mind. Fretting over the past is as constructive as nailing a cube of Jello to the wall. When it’s time to relax, turn off your mind and let the day go.

R- Recruit some outside support. Need help reaching your personal and family goals? Enlist the help of a coach who will help you deal with present challenges and create action plans to make the most of your future.

S- Simplify your family’s schedule. There really is no need to commit your child to 40 different activities per week. One or two activities during the school year is okay. Really.

T- Teach the lessons you want them to know. Schools do not teach character development, parents do. When you teach your child about respect and teamwork, you get respect and teamwork.

U- Utilize your resources. Did the grandparents volunteer to baby-sit? Did your neighbor offer to tutor your kids in that math you don’t understand? Take them up on their offers. Reaching out for help enables us to collect ourselves and do the things we do well.

V- Value your time. Learn to say “no.” It’s important to be involved and volunteer your time to help with fundraisers and so on, but don’t overextend yourself. It takes time away from your family and robs you of your sanity.

W- Wipe the tears. Yours and theirs. Holding grudges or letting anger and misery simply fester under the surface builds resentment and uneasiness. This is a legacy you do not want to leave.

X- Yearn to grow and learn. Just because you are a parent does not mean that you no longer can work on expanding your own mind and achieving your own goals. You may need to modify your ambition, but you can still express yourself, volunteer, take courses or even teach!

Y- Zzzzzzzz. Try to make up for that lost sleep. Parenting always seems easier when you are rested.

Have a Powerful (and stress-free) Week!

*Known as "The Character Queen," Dr. Robyn J.A. Silverman is a child development specialist, success coach, and parenting expert. Her tips-based style makes her a favorite among parents and teachers. She's the creator of the Powerful Words, a life-skills system used in children's programs. For more information or to contact Dr. Robyn, visit her Powerful Parenting Blog at http://www.DrRobynsBlog.com or website at http://www.DrRobynSilverman.com

Is My Baby Ready for a Cup?

2008-03-10T20:24:00.000-07:00

Really, any time between about 5-9 months is prime cup time. That's a pretty big range because, of course, all kids are different and bring different skills to the table. Children who are already holding a bottle might take more readily to a cup than a child who has been fed exclusively from the breast, for example, even though this is not always the case. Motor skills play a part and so does interest.

Something important to keep in mind no matter what the age or skill of a baby in this range -- a cup should not replace breast-feedings or bottles. You should just look at it as an addition to the diet, something to wash down those new meals or practice for the day that bottle or breast weaning begins.

What Type of Cup?

Some parents like the sippy cups with valves that keep the cup from spilling no matter what position it's in.
These cups require a bit of sucking to get the fluid out which most kids are used to with breast or bottle. They also keep baby and everything around baby cleaner. Keep in mind that if you use these cups you may have to go through a second cup training when your child is older and moves to cups without lids. The dependence on no-spill lids can keep your child from learning how to avoid spills. For this reason, I advise that you use no-spill cups when it really matters (like in the car) and use a cup without a lid or with a lid with no valve (that allows a little bit of spilling) at home or in the high chair. Another type of cup that some children really take to is the type that has a straw. The advantage here comes if you frequently eat out -- your child will already have the skill of drinking with a straw.

What Types of Fluid?

You should start out with water. This is especially true if you're using a cup without a lid or valves. Just a little bit at a time -- maybe a few spoonfuls or 1/4 cup to start with. There are going to be spills and there may not be much real drinking going on, so this helps eliminate waste as well. Once your child understands what the cup is for and has a bit of a grip on how to use it, you can start to add other fluids like expressed breast milk or formula. Once your child is 6 months old, you can start to offer some juice. Just be careful -- 4 ounces or so is the limit (that's just 1/2 cup) for the entire day. Giving more juice can lead to problems like cavities and diarrhea. You may also find that your baby will stop eating all the healthy food you offer. I've seen the latter happen even with just small amounts of juice, though, so try to get the nutritious stuff in first and then offer the cup. My son stayed entertained with the cup and I got some much-needed cleaning in when I gave him the cup after meals instead of before or during and that way he didn't refuse the less sweet foods or fill up on juice.

More Tips for Introducing a Cup

Don't force the cup -- if your child isn't interested, try again later. Remember that whatever is in the cup isn't replacing the nutrition your child is getting elsewhere at this point, so it's not a necessity.
Make sure your child is always sitting up to avoid choking. Sippy cups can be used even when they aren't upright, so encourage your child to drink sitting up.
Remember the old adage "Don't cry over spilled milk." Learning to use the cup is just like any skill that requires practice, practice practice. Don't get angry or discipline your child for spills or accidents.
Keep it nutritious. Coke, sugary juice cocktails and other soft drinks don't add any benefit to your child's diet so don't add them to your child's cup. If you use fruit juice, make sure it's 100 percent juice with no sweeteners added. (source: http://babyparenting.about.com)

Healthy Living Starts at Home

2008-03-09T21:17:00.000-07:00

By Harriet S. Mosatche and Anna Katherine Montgomery

Voices of girls across the country rang out loud and clear in the new Girl Scout Research Institute study, The New Normal? What Girls Say About Healthy Living, released on January 25, 2006. In the study's major findings, girls revealed that healthy living is as much about feeling emotionally secure as it is about eating well, being fit and looking good. "As a result," said Senior Researcher Judy Schoenberg of the Girl Scout Research Institute, "efforts that focus solely on nutrition and physical activity may be missing the mark for many girls."

Embracing Healthy Habits

The relationship between girls and their parents is a cornerstone of healthy living; mothers, especially, play a crucial role in influencing their daughters' lifestyle choices. What, then, do parents need to be aware of that will help their children embrace healthy living? "Girls need adults in their lives to model healthy living attitudes and behaviors," Schoenberg said. Girls also need emotional support, which is something that parents can provide. Supportive comments definitely make a difference with girls; the study reveals that 89 percent of girls report that their mothers make positive comments about their appearances.

Girls need motivation to put their health knowledge to work, so find fun ways to encourage healthy habits. Schoenberg reports that girls, "will reject any effort to make them behave in ways that seem weird or extreme — which might include daily vigorous exercise or deciding not to snack, to swear off junk food, etc."

Motivating Girls

Here are ideas for driving healthy habits home.

Emphasize the Importance of Healthy Eating. More than 60% of teenage girls in The New Normal study say they skip breakfast at least once a week, and nearly 20% skip that important meal every day. Too often, these skipped meals translate into trips to school vending machines with few healthy choices. Keep healthy, easy-to-prepare food on hand so girls can fit breakfast into the typical morning rush.

Get Creative with Recipes. Cook with your children, encouraging them to create healthy meal masterpieces. Not only are you giving them an outlet for their creativity, but your children are more likely to eat something if they have a hand in making it.

Make Physical Activity an Adventure. Invite your children and their friends to join you in a group walk or game, anything that involves lots of moving around, maybe teach each other new dance steps. These activities provide a fun, social opportunity as well as a great workout.

Get Involved in Community Efforts. Find out what's going on in your community related to healthy living. Are there a variety of opportunities for regular physical activity and healthy food choices at school and in your community? If not, get involved and encourage your daughter to become an advocate, too. One way to do this is by participating in the development and implementation of School Wellness Policies, which are mandated in every school district that receives federal school meal funding. You and your daughter can make sure that the unique girl perspective about healthy living is included in those policies.

For more information about The New Normal study, visit www.girlscouts.org/research/publications/ original/healthy_living.asp.

Harriet S. Mosatche, Ph.D., is a Girl Scout volunteer advisor, national staff member and author of Where Should I Sit at Lunch? The 24/7 Guide to Surviving the High School Years (McGraw-Hill, 2006). Anna Katherine Montgomery is a writer and consultant to GSUSA.

Keeping Girls Gang-free

2008-03-09T21:16:00.000-07:00

By Jo Seavey-Hultquist

"I was always mad and I took my pain out on others. . . I started acting like this when I was 9 years old and I think it's because my father wasn't around, my mom didn't understand me, and I just felt lonely and confused. I was just looking for someone to really listen and so I turned to gang banging and living the crazy lifestyle.”
—Ayan, age 15 (Girl Scouting in Detention Centers participant)

Youth gangs are broadly defined as a group of juveniles who form an allegiance, claim a territory, wear common colors, hang out together and commit crimes together. And they are attracting more and more girls. According to a National Youth Gang Survey conducted in 2000, approximately 6 percent of the almost 773,000 documented active gang members were female. Later studies, however, suggest that the number of female gang members ranges from 8 to 38 percent.

And gangs are not just a big city problem. In fact, female gangs are more likely to be found in small cities and rural areas than in large cities. Eighty-seven percent of police departments in suburban counties with populations of 100,000 to 249,999 report persistent gang activity in their communities.

From 'Could-be' to 'Wanna-be'

Gang members refer to girls under 10 years old as "could-be's," while those who imitate gang dress or behavior or hang around with gang members, are known as "wanna-be's." Girls who have gone through a gang initiation and participate in a variety of activities, including robbery or violence. are "regular members."

Major Risk Factors

Jody Miller, an associate professor in the Department of Criminology and Criminal Justice at the University of Missouri—St. Louis and a leading researcher on girls and gangs, notes three factors exhibited by girls who join gangs: they come from dysfunctional families, have gangs in their neighborhoods or have peers who belong to gangs, and have a family member involved in a gang. Meda Chesney-Lind, a criminologist, professor of Women's Studies at the University of Hawaii-Manoa and author of several books on girls in gangs, notes that the majority of girls who join gangs have been sexually or physically abused and see gangs as a refuge.

Warning Signs

But even girls from caring homes can become involved in gangs, so parents need to be alert if their daughters exhibit the following signs: regularly dressing in one color; having gang symbols or gang-like graffiti written on books or clothing; getting a tattoo with gang connotations (such as the number 13 or the name of a street or neighborhood); being called by a new nickname (such as Crazy Girl); becoming aggressive; or suddenly having a lot of extra cash from unknown sources.

Prevention and Positive Alternatives

Some of the things parents can do to combat gangs is to report suspicious activities to the police, share information with other parents, and ensure that supervised, positive after-school and weekend activities are available. Girl Scouting, which has always been committed to the well-being of girls, provides a safe, nurturing environment where they can make friends, find acceptance, and learn important life-skills.

Girl Scouts of Santa Clara County has been helping girls build skills for dealing with violence and negative influences with Got Choices, funded by GSUSA and the Department of Justice and delivered through Girl Scouting in Detention Centers and P.A.V.E. (Project Anti-Violence Education) the Way. In existence for 10 years, Got Choices serves girls who are at risk for joining gangs or who are involved in the juvenile justice system. Young-adult staff, who serve as program counselors, facilitate discussions on violence prevention, self-esteem, making positive choices and setting goals. Guest speakers conduct workshops on topics such as teen dating violence and non-traditional career options.

Last year, 80 percent of participants reported that the program increased their ability to make positive life choices. "I learned from the program counselors to have more confidence in myself and to treat others better,” said one participant. "The program has made a difference. Before, I would not talk to anyone and just keep it all to myself. Now, I got so close to the counselors that I can tell them my problems."

Online Resources

For more information on youth gangs, visit the Web site Gang Out.

Visit the Web site of the National Criminal Justice Reference Service, Office of Juvenile Justice and Delinquency Prevention, for information on:

Visit socialworktoday.com for an article on "Girls, Gangs, & Crime: Profile of the Young Female."

Jo Seavey-Hultquist, program director of Girl Scouts of Santa Clara County, has a master's degree in social work, and more than 10 years of youth program development experience with a special focus on violence-prevention programming.

Get Your Kids to Cooperate Using This Very Simple Phrase

2008-03-03T17:40:00.000-08:00

By Barb Desmarais

In the early seventies, I was training to become an early childhood educator. My training included practicums in different preschool settings. I was very fortunate in having an excellent sponsor teacher on one of my practicums whose wisdom has stayed with me since. She taught me a very simple but magical phrase.

I remember one day all the kids were going out to play and it was a wet, rainy day. The teacher asked that they all put their boots on. I was in charge of a small group and one of the little girls in my group refused to put on her boots. "Please put your boots on", I said to her. She ignored me. "Nicki, it's time to put your boots on", I repeated. She ignored me again. Just then the teacher walked by and I told her I wasn't able to get little Nicki to put her boots on. "Nicki, as soon as you've got your boots on I'll know you're ready to play outside" she said. In no time flat the boots were on and off she went to play outside. I was amazed that the same request I was making, worded differently, got immediate results. I've never forgotten the effectiveness of that short, simple phrase.

Why did the teacher's approach work and mind didn't? Children like the rest of us want to feel empowered. If we ask them to do something, they'll either refuse or procrastinate and dawdle. They're simply exercising power and control. This simple way of wording a request, gives them some power yet the request is still the same. You are giving them the opportunity of telling you when they're ready to do something. That's the way they interpret it. It's not perceived as a command. Very few of us respond kindly to a command.

I taught preschool for several years and later had my own children. Virtually every day as my children were growing up I was able to use this very simple way of gaining their co-operation. If they wanted to watch a movie, or play outside, or have a snack I would often say: "As soon as you've brushed your teeth, I'll know you're reading for your story" or "As soon as you've hung your coat up and put your shoes away, I'll know you're ready for your snack" or "As soon as you've picked up your lego, I'll know you're ready to watch your movie."

Another variation of the same phrase is when your child asks for something or to do something you can say: "Sure, as soon as you've finished your homework" or "Sure, as soon as the dishwasher is emptied". They might say: "Can I have a cookie?" You can reply: "Sure you can have a cookie; as soon as you've fed the cat." You get the idea.

In the 20 years that I've worked as a parent educator I've shared this very simple, effective phrase with literally hundreds of parents. Many have come back to me with comments such as: "It works like magic" or "I was skeptical but it really works" or "I can't believe how easy it is." What is so nice is that it's appropriate to use with every age group, as long as they have language. Give it a try.

Barbara Desmarais is a parenting and life coach and has worked with parents for close to 20 years. To get more tips and insights on parenting, visit her website at http://www.theparentingcoach.com - Sign up for her monthly parenting ezine and receive your free copy of her popular e-book "Raise Your Children But Not Your Voice."

Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=Barb_Desmarais

How Do Children See Race?

2008-03-03T17:23:00.000-08:00

Printed with permission from Dr. Marguerite A. Wright's book I'm Chocolate, You're Vanilla, available here.

Note: This section, titled "Do White Children See Race Differently?" concludes the first section of Dr. Wright's book, in which she outlines the developmental steps in which young children first perceive skin color and race, and the meanings they attach to these attributes. Dr. Wright has outlined her advice on how to raise black and biracial children (and indeed, all children) with as little racial bias as possible in our race-conscious world, and ends her section on preschoolers with this passage. We highly recommend the book to parents of every ethnic background.

Johnny Lee, a white man who was a former imperial wizard and a founder and recruiter for the Ku Klux Klan Youth Corps, vividly remembers his experience when he was five and saw a black man for the first time. Johnny said to his father, "Look, Daddy, there's a chocolate-covered man." Daddy replied, "No, son, that's a nigger." Lee said that it was at that moment that "the seeds of hatred" were planted that resulted in his life in the Klan, a life he later repudiated.

Unlike young Johnny, white children who have not been sensitized to race ascribe little importance to skin color.

Relatively few studies have been done on how children of other races, including whites, become aware of racial differences. Those available suggest that skin color is not as salient an issue for white children at the early grade-school stage of development as it is for blacks. It is understandable that young white children do not tend to regard skin color as important, since racial prejudice is generally not a factor in their lives.

I am impressed by how little race seems to matter to many of the white young grade-schoolers I encounter. Most of them, from families of friends and acquaintances, attend integrated schools or live in mixed-race communities. Their answers to my question about race are similar to Ian's, a six-year-old white youngster. Ian described the colors of the white and black people as, respectively, "whitish" and "brownish"; he can identify the "Chinese" people and says that he has friends who speak Spanish, although he doesn't have a special name for them. Like black children who do not come from racially obsessed families, Ian did not spontaneously describe or categorize people by skin color or race. Despite my repeated promptings, Ian could not think of a single way, other than skin color, in which blacks and whites differed. Although his level of understanding about how people get their color and his awareness of the existence of different racial groups was similar to that of black children, skin color did not seem as emotional an issue for him as it was for some blacks.

I have heard of Latino and Asian children for whom "race" became an emotional issue when they were subjected to teasing and other mean behavior because of their accents, their limited fluency in English, their different types of dress or the lunches they bring to school. Fortunately, however, most early grade-schoolers, regardless of race, do not seem to have stereotypes of themselves or of people who are different colors. Like preschoolers, they are inclined to see people as individuals rather than as members of a group--color, racial or otherwise. Because of this developmental advantage, these early years are an optimum time for children of different races to get to know each other, before they become aware of the stereotypes that in time will rob them of their racial innocence.

I suspect that children in other countries with a history of racial discrimination develop race awareness in ways similar to American children. Several years ago, I met a lovely white six-year-old at the home of friends of friends while visiting Australia. From the start, she seemed very comfortable with me, unlike a few of the adults, all gracious people, who it seemed to me were trying a little too hard to appear at ease with a black person. Circumstances led to my spending much of the afternoon talking and playing games with her. It wasn't until much time had passed and we rejoined the adults' conversation that she began to ask me about myself.

First, she asked questions about my skin color (like "How did your skin color become brown?" and "Will it change back?"). Next, she asked me about my full lips. Her parents understandably were discomfited by her questions and took turns trying to dissuade her from asking me anything else. Actually, it was quite amusing. The parents were growing increasingly tense trying not to offend me, while their daughter, oblivious to their discomfort, became increasingly more persistent in her questioning. To make matters worse, their guest was not being very cooperative with the parents' efforts to restrain their daughter.

In spite of my assurances that I didn't mind answering the questions, the parents continued to try various strategies to silence their daughter, all the while doing their utmost not to appear anxious. Eventually, they found some pretext to escort her from the room. She had never seen, much less talked to, a black person before, and her curiosity was perfectly normal. I knew that to her, skin color and lip shape were just physical attributes, not the hot potatoes they were to her parents. When we said good-bye later that day, I felt a tinge of sadness; I wondered if I visited her again several years in the future whether she would see my color more than she would see me.

Even at this stage of development, children who have not been exposed to the racial prejudices of their family and society retain the remarkable gift of obliviousness to the social baggage attached to race. Dr. Laura Schlessinger, author and nationally syndicated talk show host, once told a marvelous story on her show about a childhood incident that illustrates this point. When she was a girl, she had a piano teacher named Charlie. Whenever he came to her home to give her piano lessons, he greeted her younger sister by hoisting her on his shoulders. One day, about a year after Laura had been taking lessons, Charlie did not hoist her sister on his shoulders. Instead, he bent down and gave her a candy. Her sister said, "Charlie, your hands are black!" This was the first time her sister had noticed Charlie's skin color despite all the time they has known each other. Although she had been oblivious to his different skin color when she was younger, as she grew older, she was developmentally able to see the difference. Dr. Schlessinger concluded: "Racism is not congenital; it has to be learned."

Helping Your Child with School

2008-03-03T17:21:00.000-08:00

by Patty Wipfler

Children love to learn. Learning is as natural as breathing to them--they absorb every single thing that happens! They learn through play, they learn from the behavior of the children and adults around them, they learn from their own experiments. By all rights, going to school, where there will be new experiences, many children, and a chance to master powerful skills like reading and math, should be exciting and fun for them!

In order to learn well, our children need to feel safe and wanted

Their minds don't function well unless this bottom line condition of being welcome and appreciated is met. At school, they need to know that their teachers like them and think they're special. They need to know that they won't be bullied or made fun of on the playground or in the hallways. They need encouragement, high expectations, and a good deal of fun. Play, which is the language and work of young children, is still deeply important to children of school age. The more they are allowed to play in their learning activities, the faster they absorb information and new skills. At home, children need kindness, affection, and some measure of one-on-one time with their parents, even if it's has to be as little as a five-minute snuggle before going to sleep every night or the ride in the car to the Boy Scout meeting once a week.

There are several basic ideas about helping children learn that aren't well understood in our culture. In fact, they're not well understood in most cultures of the world. For schools to foster learning, and for parents to support their children, we grown-ups need to see that these learning needs of children are met both at home and in the schools. Here are a few of the key concepts that aren't yet well-understood:

Children need to feel loved, or at least understood and respected, in order for their minds to be clear enough to learn.
Children need large amounts of physical affection and closeness. Closeness fuels their confidence and frees their minds of worries about whether or not they're OK. If they're unsure about whether they're OK, they can't concentrate on learning.
Children learn best through play and hands-on activities. The best teacher is experience, experience, experience! We need classrooms in which children are doing things together, experimenting, and teaching each other what they've learned. In particular, free play without competition or pre-set rules is a great builder of children's intellect, imagination, and confidence. Jumping on the beds at home, chasing around the house, and wrestling and pillow fights (the children win, of course!) are the kinds of personal, physical play that lift children's spirits and create enough fun that they can manage to stay hopeful even when days at school aren't inspiring. If life feels like drudgery, learning won't take place. So free play is vital. It keeps your child's spark of hope and interest alive!
Children need the freedom to make mistakes and ask questions without fear of shame or belittlement. Mistakes and "failures" teach as effectively as successes, as long as a child continues to be respected.
Children's keen sense of justice demands that they and others be treated thoughtfully and fairly. Fairness, to children, means limits but not anger, boundaries but not belittlement, facing problems but not attacking people for having problems.
When a child isn't able to concentrate or to learn, there's usually an emotional issue that blocks his progress. It feels bad on the inside when you can't think! It feels scary on the inside when you can't do what's expected of you, and you don't know why or what to do about it! This is the position children are in when they can't write a story, can't memorize their times tables, or can't sit down to their homework. They feel upset, and often scared. They also feel alone.

When we parents see our child caught in upset around learning, it's usually infuriating. Our child's problems make us feel tired and worn. Our thoughts are something like, "By now, he should be able to do school work on his own! Why do I have to get into it?!" We badly want our child's problems to go away so we can get a little peace!

What helps immensely is something we've always been taught to avoid at all costs. If you can sit close by while your child has a good cry about school, or a tantrum about not wanting to do homework, your child will do the work of draining some of the bad feelings that have paralyzed him. Emotional release helps children focus their attention and regain their ability to be hopeful about learning. Your child won't sound reasonable while he cries or rages. He'll believe very strongly in the terrible feelings he's having. But surprisingly, the crying and the chance to make sure you know how bad it feels inside has a deeply healing effect. So try to keep from arguing and reasoning with him, and stay close while he "cleans the skeletons out of the closet" with his tears and his bleak or angry thoughts. He'll finish. The longer he has been able to cry, the more improvement you will see in his ability to concentrate and to believe in himself.

Schools are not set up to help children with the tensions that keep them from learning and getting along. This is a job we parents need to do. It's a very hard job, one that was never done for us. It feels all wrong to allow a child to cry on and on without fixing anything, without sending him to his room or insisting that he pull himself together. But listen. Listening heals. Listen your way through a big cry or tantrum once, without trying to "fix" his feelings or solve the problem, and you'll see how well it works to clear your child's mind and restore his sense of closeness to you.
The huge need children have for one-on-one attention while they learn is natural. It's the school environment, where so many children need to compete for the attention of just one adult, that's not natural. Children's needs feel bothersome to parents and to teachers, not because the children are out of line, but because our society is out of line. Policymakers and citizens haven't yet decided to give young children enough adult attention in school, and parents enough support at home, to meet natural human needs for support and attention. When schools are genuinely supportive to children, we'll look back at present class sizes, at the lack of support for teachers, and at the lack of services for children experiencing difficulties in learning, and think of conditions in the year 2000 as primitive indeed!

Assisting Our Children, Supporting Their Schools

Almost every child will experience some difficult times in school. And almost every parent feels upset, helpless, and/or angry when these troubles surface. Our strong love for our children and our frustration with a society that doesn't offer much support to its young people makes it hard to think clearly when our children are having a hard time. There are a few guiding principles that many people find helpful when they hit a hard patch

It doesn't help to blame your child, yourself, or the teacher for the difficulty. Blame wastes energy and makes others feel worse than they already do. Because blame spreads bad feelings, it gets in the way of the fresh thinking and cooperation you'll need in order to build solutions. You aren't to blame. You're working as hard as you know how that this difficult job of parenting. Your child isn't to blame. He's doing the best he can, and is carrying burdens he hasn't told you about yet, or doesn't know how to shed yet. The teacher is not to blame. No matter who has made mistakes, the heart of the matter is the lack of support and assistance for everyone involved.
We live in a society that doesn't value its children or the people who work with them. There is talk of the importance of education, and many skilled and good-hearted people working in that field, but too little funding and respect are funneled toward schools. In most schools, human caring and teaching expertise is spread far too thin. You, your child, and your child's teacher are all stressed because learning conditions aren't optimal. Constructive action means to look for people's strengths, call on their good intentions, and perhaps to look for additional help.
First, listen to your child about the difficulty. He's feeling hurt and upset, and he can't solve the problem in that state. See if you can be warm and positive enough to help him have a big cry or a tantrum. Children can often work through their feelings of victimization and come up with their own solutions to troubles at school, if they have the chance to offload the feelings in big, hard cries at home.
Let your child be in charge of the solutions. After your child has shed big feelings of upset, and after you've spent some time just being close to him without trying to solve the problem, ask him what he wants to do. Listen carefully. There may be a role you can play in advocating for him with the teacher or helping him talk with his friends. But don't assume that because he brought his feelings to you, that he wants you to take charge of the situation. Many times, children can think of how they want to take charge after one or several good cries.
If he wants you to approach a teacher or other students, listen well before you attempt to find solutions. A teacher, principal, or student needs to have their

side of the story heard before they will be able to change a viewpoint or cooperate toward a fresh solution. If things aren't working well, they feel badly about it (even if they're acting like they don't). Fresh, workable behavior comes only from a mind that's been freed a bit from its troubles by a good listener, a listener who cares about all the parties involved. Your thoughts are important, and working toward a solution is important. But listening well to the others involved is as vital as tilling hard-packed soil before you attempt to plant a new seed.
Problem-solving goes better if we find a listener, too! When our children struggle, we feel as frustrated and disappointed as they do! When they meet with unfairness, we want to storm and rage until the threat to them is gone. When they seem to be unable to help themselves at home, we aim our frustrations at them, driving them further into their shells of hopelessness. In short, when our children meet trouble, we feel troubled too. To be good allies and problem-solvers, we need someone to listen to us, perhaps again and again, to how we feel and to the things we've tried. Someone listening to how angry or disappointed or exhausted we feel freshens our communication with our children, their friends, and their teachers. Our problem-solving effectiveness is 100% improved if we decide to find a listener and let them hear our fears and our frustrations before we try to help!

How Listening Works

Here is one parent's experience: "My daughter was given a month to learn all the states and their capitals. I offered to help her learn groups of about six states at a time. After she memorized the first six she felt she couldn't possibly learn all the states, and she had a huge cry. Then she proceeded to learn the second set of six states and capitals, but again she felt that this was too much for her. She had another long cry. She kept saying, 'I'll never learn this. I just can't do it!' She also got mad at me for trying to help, and cried about my 'interference.' I was somewhat confused by this, and wondered if indeed I had gotten too involved in this assignment. In a few days, she again felt hopeless about learning them all, and had a third big cry. Each cry she had went on for half an hour or more. She felt she could never do the assignment, and expressed frustration and anger at me, at the assignment, and at the world. I kept listening and wondering how this was all going to turn out. "

"After the third cry, everything changed. She learned the next sets of states quickly and easily. She took on a set of 18 states and capitals, and did them all at once. Three days before the test, she asked me to quiz her on them, and she knew them all! She was ecstatic, and I think she was amazed that she had done something she was sure she never could do. She was so proud of herself. The day before the test, she was completely confident that she would get 100%, and she was actually looking forward to the test! She usually showed a lot of anxiety around tests, so I'd never seen her like this before. After the test was over, she said she was sad that it was over, and she told me that she wished she could do it again! She has referred to it again and again as one of the major learning feats of her life, and she has thanked me profusely for my help with the project, saying that she never could have done it without me. It was great to see this whole process work!"

Secrets to Being a Great Parent

2008-02-29T22:57:00.000-08:00

By Naomi Freundlich

We asked our top child-development experts what children need most from their moms and dads. Their answers may surprise you.

Create Family Rituals:

Having special little customs gives you and your child an opportunity to connect, no matter what else is going on.

Cooking a simple meal together, reading a story every night, planting a garden, playing a favorite board game -- these are the kinds of rituals that kids love. Be creative: One father I know got into the habit of "shaving" with his 5-year-old son every morning, giving him foam and a toy razor. Another gets up early every Friday to take his daughter out to breakfast before they head off to work and school.

It doesn't really matter what your ritual is, as long as it's something you and your child both enjoy. It's important that you continue doing it, even when you're frustrated with your child. This isn't a privilege that you take away as a punishment. It's something sacred that you do, every night or every week or every month, as a way to connect.

The Pressured Child

Know Your Child's Personality:

The essence of being a great mom or dad is to really know your child's temperament and to tailor your parenting style to take that into account. Every kid is different -- even in the same family. If you understand each child's individual personality, and deal with that child in the way that suits him best, you'll minimize conflict.

Two simple examples: If you have a very active child, you should avoid roughhousing with him in the evenings, which makes bedtime difficult. Instead, have him do a quiet activity to help him calm down. Or maybe you have a child who has a difficult time with transitions. If so, you need to understand that giving her an advance warning when it's time to leave the playground will make the shift easier for her. The better you adapt to your child, the less conflict there will be.

^{*Stanley Turecki, M.D., psychiatrist and author of The Difficult Child}

Be A Good Role Model:

Every night, parents should ask themselves, "If my child had only my behavior to learn from today, what would I have taught him?" Probably the most common mistake moms and dads make is that we say one thing and do another. We give our children lectures on self-control and patience, and then explode when we get caught in traffic. We tell them not to gossip, and then turn around and do just that. We urge them to be honest, then let an 11-year-old order from a menu for kids under 10.

That's not to say parents have to be perfect. But when we fall down on the job, we need kids to learn from our mistakes. If you lash out at your child when you're feeling stressed out, for example, you should go back later and say, "I was wrong for yelling at you that way. I should have stayed calmer. I'm sorry." By doing so, you're teaching your child the importance of respect and forgiveness. If you're dealing with a challenging situation, you need to let your child see you're doing your best to cope. When you acknowledge the difficulty ("We're all worried because Daddy has lost his job, but everything will be okay"), you're showing your child that you can manage tough times -- and that will help him learn to do the same.

^{*Michele Borba, Ed.D., author of Don't Give Me That Attitude!}

Encourage Exploration:

Kids love to explore; it's an essential part of how they learn. When parents constantly say "Don't do that" or "Stay away from this," children learn to be timid and fearful of the unknown. Children who get lots of positive feedback from their parents as they explore new things will go on to grab life by the horns.

The most important thing you can do is to make sure your child's world is conducive to exploration. First, childproof your home so that she can roam around without getting hurt. Then you need to pay attention to your daily routine, and make sure there's always new stuff for her to explore. Let her bang pots and spoons in the kitchen, and play with blankets made of different fabrics in the linen closet. Introduce her to a variety of foods. Take her to libraries, parks, zoos, and art museums. If you encourage your child to be an active explorer as a baby and toddler, she will embrace learning throughout life.

^{*Craig T. Ramey, Ph.D., director of the Georgetown University Center on Health and Education and coauthor of Right From Birth: Building Your Child's Foundation for Life}

Set Clear Limits:

Children thrive when they grow up in a home that has structure, limits, and rules. But many parents make the mistake of projecting their own feelings about rules onto their kids. As adults, we don't like people telling us what to do, and we think our children will react negatively to rules. But kids need parents who can impose limits -- and not back down from them.

I'm not saying to make rules just to prove you're the boss. It's important to set limits for a good reason and to explain them to your kids in a loving and caring way. But studies show that having rules and structure makes a child feel safe and secure and teaches self-control and self-reliance.

^{*Laurence Steinberg, Ph.D., author of The 10 Basic Principles of Good Parenting}

Be Your Child's Biggest Booster:

The single most important thing you can do for your children is to let them know you're absolutely crazy about them. Tell them often that they are terrific. Say, "You are the best thing in my life." Research shows that these kinds of messages make kids resilient and help them deal with disappointment, rejection, and the other unpleasant stuff that life routinely hands out. Surprisingly, a lot of children don't know how much their moms and dads appreciate them, and that's because parents aren't getting the message across. Make a conscious effort to be positive -- even when you're setting limits. Instead of criticizing a kid for fighting with a sibling, for example, say something like, "I know that's not your best effort. I'm sure you love your brother a lot more than you're showing him now." That lets your child know you have faith in him, that you believe in him -- and what can beat that?

^{*Kyle D. Pruett, M.D., clinical professor at the Yale Child Study Center and School of Medicine, and author of Me, Myself, and I: How Children Build Their Sense of Self}

Make Family Time a Priority:

In recent years, there has been a lot of emphasis on keeping kids challenged -- and busy. When children are as young as 3 or 4, we sign them up for gym classes, music lessons, sports teams, and more. We're afraid that our children will fall behind if they don't participate in what everyone else is doing. So we've become servants to our kids -- driving them here and there, scheduling our lives around their activities.

I think it's far more important to make family time your biggest priority than to cater to everybody's individual activities all the time. Eat dinner as a family, even if it means your child won't be able to make a soccer practice. Kids should carve out time for grandparents and other relatives too. Children also need lots of downtime when you can all just relax and be together as a family. Family bonds are an anchor for kids: Their activities will come and go, but family relationships will last a lifetime.

^{*William J. Doherty, Ph.D., professor of family and social science at the University of Minnesota, in St. Paul, and author of Take Back Your Kids}

Making your life easier

2008-02-27T19:01:00.000-08:00

Juggling work, childcare and quality time with your baby can be difficult, but if you plan ahead you can take some of the strain out of your new routine.

Time management

Being reliable and on time shows respect for your child's carer, so make every effort to be there when you say you will.

Always let the carer know if there's going to be a change to your agreed arrangements. And remember, some nurseries will fine you if you're late picking up your child.

Once you're back at work, explain your childcare arrangements to your employer and make it clear that you'll need to leave at a particular time to pick up your child.

You may want to arrange for your partner to collect your child a certain number of times each week, to give you more flexibility.

Get organised:

Make food such as bolognese sauce or casseroles in bulk and freeze portions so you don't have to cook every night.
Lay out everything you'll need the night before to save time in the morning. Don't get dressed until the last minute or you'll risk being daubed with breakfast cereal or milk.
Don't waste time at the supermarket, order online instead.
Aim to do a load of washing every day. Little and often is better than facing a huge mountain at the weekend.

Your feelings

Parents often feel guilty about leaving their child with someone else. To help you cope with this, ask yourself the following questions:

Is your child being cared for by someone you trust?
After two weeks, does your child seem settled with the carer?
Are you able to concentrate on your work while you're there?
Is your job necessary, either because you need the money or because you want to be doing it?

If you can answer yes to these questions, the chances are your arrangement is working well. So concentrate on making the most of the time you have with your child at the beginning and end of the day, and during your time off. (BBCNews)

Working mothers find child care a bore

2008-02-25T22:37:00.000-08:00

by Sherrill Nixon

TIME-CRUNCHED working parents - especially women - find caring for their children the most stressful, frustrating or boring activity in their daily lives.

A study of parents' moods as they go about their days has found child care is the only activity that mothers dislike significantly more than fathers do.

In contrast, women feel more positively about their jobs than men, although for both sexes paid work ran second to child care as the most negative activity of the week. Working parents are at their happiest when engaged in socialising, community activities, voluntary work or care, education and recreation, the study found.

The academic behind the study, Peter Brown, of Griffith University's Centre for Work, Organisation and Wellbeing, is intrigued by the counter-intuitive finding that women feel more negative about child care, and more positive about paid work, than men.

"The conventional stereotypes of men being breadwinners and women being the carers, in terms of positive effect, it's the reverse of what you would expect," he said. "Maybe it's that familiarity breeds contempt."

He said the results suggest Australian parents should pursue a third dimension to their work/family balancing act, with more "me-time" and leisure activities.

"The fact that much leisure is played out in a social context, the importance of contact with others, that's the stuff that makes us happy and healthy," Professor Brown said.

He presented his research to the Australian and New Zealand Association for Leisure Studies conference in Melbourne this week, where a theme was parents' leisure, particularly men's.

For Professor Brown's study, 173 parents who worked part-time or full-time carried a personal digital assistant with them for seven days. Ten times a day at random times, the device would beep and the parents would record what they were doing, who they were with, where they were and how they felt about the activity.

The parents, particularly the women, in the younger age group (25-30 years) felt more time-pressured than those in the older group (52-57 years).

Overall, the older parents scored more highly on the positive scale but the mood scores showed all participants felt reasonably happy about their time use. Not surprisingly, younger parents with dependent children spent more time on child care, while the older group spent more time in paid work and social activities.

Professor Brown intends to expand his research to determine how much it costs Australian business, for example, through absenteeism and loss of productivity, if parents are unable to maintain a work/family balance.

Feeling Stressed Out? Top Five Tips To Reduce "Mom" Stress

2008-02-24T20:45:00.000-08:00

By: Cinda Serafin

What is exactly is mom stress, and why does it differ from other types of stress one may encounter? It could well be described as the loss of
ability to cope with the repetitive routine and mundane course of daily
child rearing for a specifically isolated period of time. Most moms will
suffer at least some form of mom stress before their children are grown. Moms may feel as if they can no longer handle the fighting, the crying, the tantrums and overall lack of adult interaction. Moms should not feel ashamed for identifying with any of the above, this just means they could use a simple change in your daily routine.

Here are five easy to implement ways to avoid mom stress. Take heed, that all five of these involve taking time for yourself each and every day. Your
special time could be something as simple as giving yourself a soothing foot soak first thing in the morning before the children and husband are awake. Gather your favorite foot spa products and relax. You can find many great spa products made specifically for new moms such as the Earth Mama Angel Baby specialty line of products. Be sure to post a do not disturb sign on the door and strictly prosecute anyone that dares to enter!

Your special time should also include some form of slow paced exercise such as early morning stretching or a 30 minute relaxation video. The slow yet invigorating pace of the exercise will begin to release your feel good hormones thus lending a more relaxed tone to the rest of the day.

What type of things did you enjoy before you became a mother? Your special time should encompass some sort of creative activity to remind you of your personal interests. If you enjoy photography why not start a scrapbook where you can catalog your photos as well as do some creative journaling? This would be a good time to do some positive thinking about your children by showcasing the special qualities of each child in the scrapbook.

Remember your long lost friends? Your special time should contain at least some kind of daily interaction with another adult beside your spouse. Make
arrangements for a play date with another mom and have coffee while your
children play. Be sure to keep your diaper bag stuffed with items your children may need so they do not interupt your friendly conversation. Thinking ahead can make your visit much more enjoyable. Keep the conversation positive! Don't spoil your "You Time" by discussing negative subjects that will probably leave you feeling emotionally drained.
Finally, the most important step before beginning your new routine is
to get your husband on board. You will need his support to make sure
you are not disturbed while taking time for yourself. Surprisingly, most
husbands would like to see their wives relax a little more and are
willing to help make that happen.

You shouldn't feel that you have to keep a strict "You Time" schedule.
Keep it relaxed by spreading your activities out through the week. One
special "You Time" activity a day should be enough to put you in the
right frame of mind.

Taking time for yourself should not be viewed as a selfish endeavor.
This will only leave you feeling more refreshed and ready to be a better
parent and wife. We all need that little something to look forward to
each day and this can only help us to enjoy life with our family all
the more. Source: http://www.parentingarticlelibrary.com

Cinda Serafin is a contributing writer at the Parenting Resource Center at Brown Eyed Baby Boutique. This Baby Gifts Boutique specializes in diaper bags for new moms. If you wish to learn more about parenting issues, visit our resource center and receive free shipping on all diaper bags.

Is My Child Too Busy?

2008-02-22T21:55:00.000-08:00

Boys Town Pediatrics

It’s pretty common to hear parents talk about racing their child from one club sport, to the next—or to an academic debate, school club or other roster of activities. For some children, adding extra-curricular activities may be due to the pressure of building a resume to get into a good college, while others feel peer pressure to hang out with a group of friends. Some parents might feel their child is “missing out” if he isn’t constantly occupied. There are various reasons, but it all adds up to overload.

How Can Parents Tell if Their Child is Too Busy?

Boys Town Pediatrics helps parents look for signs of being over-loaded, such as:

Feeling tired, exhausted or depressed
Not enjoying the activity they once loved
Lower grades in school
Complaining of headaches or body aches, which may be due to stress or lack of sleep
Having stomach pain, which may be due to missed meals or stress

An active schedule can wear on a child’s social and family life. When a child is too busy to play with friends, his friendships my suffer—as does the family structure if one parent is busy running one child to baseball practice while the other parent is at a dance recital. Not to mention, it can be extremely tiresome for everyone involved.

If you feel your child is too busy, Boys Town Pediatrics offers tips to help you get back on track:

Schedule activities in moderation. Start slow and add an additional activity when you feel your child is ready to multi-task.
Make sure the activity is developmentally appropriate for the age of your child.
Keep a family calendar to stay organized. Place the calendar in a place where everyone can see it and can add their activities.
Mark off a day on the calendar as a family day. Do not schedule any individual activities on that day and do something together as a family.
Parents may need to say “No”. If adding one more activity is going to overload your child, you can talk to her about dropping an activity to add the new one.

Take a moment and carefully examine your child’s schedule. If you feel there are too many activities scheduled, talk with your child and together decide where you can cut back. Keeping a structured active schedule can play a role in the health and well-being of your child.

Allergies or Just a Cold?

2008-02-22T19:18:00.000-08:00

By: Nicki Nair, M.D.
Boys Town Allergy and Asthma

Stuffy nose, congestion, sneezes…how can you tell if your child has allergies or if it’s just a cold?

Allergies and the common cold can have many similar symptoms, including runny nose, watery eyes, cough and congestion, so it can be difficult for parents to know whether their child has an allergic reaction or is battling a virus.

A cold is a virus that must run its course. Over-the-counter medications, approved by your child’s physician, may help with some symptoms, but the cold will generally stick around for 7-10 days. Allergies, on the other hand, will continue as long as the child is in contact with the substance causing the allergic reaction.

Boys Town Asthma and Allergy provides a checklist to help determine if your child has allergies or just a cold:

Have your child’s cold symptoms lingered for more than 2 weeks?
Does your child have a chronic (continual) cough?
Is the mucus clear (not yellow or green)?
Does your child have a stuffy nose or breathe through his/her mouth?
Are his/her eyes red and itchy?
Does your child have dark circles under his/her eyes?

If your child has one or more of the above symptoms, it is a possible your child has an allergy. Common allergens include food, medications, pet dander, mold, dust and pollen. Depending on the type of allergy, your child may experience respiratory symptoms, skin irritations or digestive problems. Nasal allergies can make your child more susceptible to ear and sinus infections and asthma.

If parents cannot determine the source of the allergy, an allergist can perform a battery of skin tests to determine the offending allergens. It is important for parents to remember that the sensitivity to an allergen can change with time.

If your child does have an allergy, your physician will discuss how you can decrease your child’s exposure to the allergen. Boys Town Asthma and Allergy offers the following tips to reduce allergens in your home:

Vacuum your home at least once a week and consider purchasing a HEPA vacuum.
Wash bedding in hot water to remove dust and kill bacteria.
Replace furnace and air filters every 1-2 months during peak allergy seasons.
Have pets bathed regularly to keep pet dander at a minimum.
Wash blankets, stuffed animals and other toys regularly to remove dust and bacteria.

If your child seems to be suffering from cold symptoms that just do not seem to go away, contact your child’s physician. (parentingorg)

Financing Parenting

2008-02-20T01:57:00.000-08:00

by Nancy Rankin

A chapter from her forthcoming book, Taking Parenting Public: The Case
for a New Social Movement (Rowman & Littlefield, Lanham, MD). Reproduced
with permission from the National Parenting Association.

Ask parents and many of them will tell you they would like to be able to take some time out from their jobs so they can devote more attention and energy to their kids. A recent study by Public Agenda, a nonpartisan public policy research organization, reports that most parents (68 percent) "would prefer to stay home with their children when they are young." Among parents with children under five, 80 percent of mothers say this and 52 percent of fathers.1 Public Agenda's report set off a predictable outcry - especially among child-care advocates and some feminists. But before rushing to refute it, maybe it's time we listened carefully to what parents are actually saying.

Parents are not arguing that mothers shouldn't work - of course, they should be able to - or that we don't need higher quality, more affordable child care. Of course, we do. But more and better child care is just part of the solution. We also need to re-engineer our work lives to create more time for parenting. Public Agenda's report confirms what the National Parenting Association has found in our own polls.2 Parents don't define their biggest struggle as finding child care, they see it as balancing work and family. Even more striking is the finding that both mothers and fathers3 say that balancing job and family responsibilities is their toughest daily challenge. And almost half of full-time working mothers surveyed said they don't have enough time for their kids. Research by both Public Agenda and the National Parenting Association shows that given a choice of public policies, parents would much prefer to see tax breaks that make it easier for parents to cut back on job hours and incentives for businesses to adopt flexible work policies, than massive new subsidies for a national child-care system.

We are fed up with either-or choices of uninterrupted work from graduation to grave versus jettisoning hard-earned degrees and years of job experience if we choose to spend more time at home for a few years raising our kids. For lower-income and single parents the choice is even starker: the income to support your children versus the time to care for them in the way you deem best. It's time for a new paradigm that allows us to take a chunk of time out from our lives of paid work to give the unpaid, but no less important, work of parenting the attention it deserves.

If so many parents are yearning to stay home with their children during their earliest years, what stops them? One factor is certainly well-founded anxieties about returning to the labor market and visions of lifetime career setbacks. Some want the continued rewards of work, but with scaled-down hours. For many parents, though, the biggest barrier is practical: they can't afford to.

Here's a proposal to help them. Why not allow working parents to draw social security benefits for up to three years during their prime child-rearing years? This would give moms and dads a real choice about how much time to spend working and how much time to spend with their kids. Some parents would decide to stay at home or cut back to part-time work so they do not become entirely disconnected from the labor market. To help cover the costs, those who elected to "borrow on their social security" could repay the system, at least in part. For example, benefit-takers could increase the employee's share of the payroll taxes they pay in when they return to work, they could defer their age of retirement with full social security benefits on a year-for-year basis, or they could accept a reduced monthly benefit, as those who opt for early retirement do now.

Any of these options would still involve some subsidy; otherwise the required payback would take too steep a cut out of future paychecks or retirement benefits to make it an affordable choice. Given our "pay-as-you-go" system of financing senior benefits out of tax contributions from current workers, you can argue this is fair. Without parents devoting time and resources to raising children, there will not be productive employees in the future whose earnings will be taxed to pay the bill for the older generation. And that is, in fact, exactly the argument made in a recent decision by Germany's Constitutional Court. It ruled that workers with children should pay a lower premium for the country's compulsory long-term nursing care insurance plan than childless ones on the grounds that future beneficiaries will depend on the premiums paid by coming generations of workers. "Those people who have not helped to maintain the number of future contributors - i.e., the childless - are getting an unfair financial advantage, says the court. So they should pay more."4

How much of a difference would the ability to draw social security make for parents trying to make ends meet? Plenty, it turns out. Taxes and child-care costs take such a big bite out of parents' incomes that even modest benefits could largely replace the net income from an average job.5 For example, a parent earning a second salary of $30,000 (assuming the spouse also makes $30,000) would net only about $10,065 after taxes, child care, and work expenses (see box). That works out to about the same as the average annual social security income for retirees of $10,140 in 2001. It's enough to make a real difference for American families.

Net Income After Taxes, Child Care and Work Expenses Example: A two-earner couple where each parent makes $30,000
The second salary:	$30,000

Subtract:
Social security and Medicare taxes	2,295
Additional state/local taxes (@ estimated rate of 5%)	1,500
Estimated additional federal income tax	6,180
Additional child care (estimated at $120/week)*	6,240
Commuting costs ($25/week times 50)	1,250
Cost of work clothing and dry cleaning	870
Cost of restaurant meals on work days ($25/week times 50)	1,250
Other (non-reimbursed expenses, paid help, meals out, etc.)	350
Net income	$10,065
Based on US Census figures for weekly total child care costs per family (for families including a preschooler) adjusted for inflation. Source: What Does It Cost to Mind Our Preschoolers,* US Census, 1995. Calculations used in this example are adapted from a model appearing online in offspringmag.com on April 13, 2000. Estimates are based on federal tax rates at that time.

.
Among mothers or fathers taking advantage of this option, most would probably stay at home during their children's earliest years. But we know that kids' needs don't magically disappear at age three. A struggling third-grader or a troubled teen can be just as demanding of parental attention. This proposal would let parents decide what makes sense for them and their families.

One issue that would need to be addressed is overcoming barriers to workforce reentry. It is unrealistic to expect that employers be asked to guarantee someone's job after a leave of a year or more. Fears of getting back on track are justified. The career highway is easy to exit, but difficult to get back on. We need to create more "on-ramps" - opportunities and recruitment strategies that give workers a path to accelerate back up to speed and full productivity. For example, employees on an extended parenting time-out could maintain an alumni-like status with their former employer, kept in the loop with regular contacts and invitations to participate in training and staff development. They would become a prime candidate pool for rehires. Incentives could be created to encourage professional associations, unions and local colleges to offer transition training to update skills and place returnees.6 More fundamentally, we need messages to change the national mindset, so that nurturing children is seen as a respectable addition to lifetime accomplishments, not discounted as a brain cell diminishing résumé gap.

Continuation of health insurance would also need to be addressed, although for married workers with a covered spouse this would not be a problem. Others could buy into their former employees' group plan or perhaps into Medicare.

Thinking of social security as a kind of savings' account that parents could tap into is a natural offshoot of the current policy debate. Some companies offer employees 401(k) thrift plans that they can borrow against to make major purchases. But many working families don't have this benefit. It's hard for young parents to save early on during the stage of life when they are having children and also trying to buy their first home, pay back education loans or start businesses. Indeed, economists have long recognized that young families are vulnerable to a type of "market failure." Banks are not likely to lend them money based on a hypothetical future earnings stream - but the social security trust fund could. It makes sense to think of our retirement system as a means to promote social investment - truly our national social security. Looking at it this way, we could also consider allowing Americans to draw social security benefits for limited periods for other valued social investments in addition to parenting, such as caring for an aging relative or midcareer retooling to obtain new job skills.

Even as medical science is creating time in our later years, we are increasingly starved for time during mid-life. True, the growing availability of work-life practices, like flextime and telecommuting, helps some workers balance job and family. But lower-income and younger workers, who need these policies the most, are the least likely to work for firms that offer such benefits. The National Parenting Association survey found that only 6 percent of parents in families earning under $20,000 a year worked for family-friendly firms, compared to 30 percent of parents with annual incomes over $60,000.7 Employer flexibility is enormously important, but it is unlikely to sufficiently ease the time famine facing working parents and others trying to meet pressing personal responsibilities. If the problem is the need to "borrow time," one solution is to use our social security system as a "time bank." It is an idea worth serious consideration.

Adjusting the social security system we designed in 1935 to fit present-day needs of working people is not as radical as it first sounds. In fact, during the 2000 presidential campaign Al Gore proposed changing the way social security benefits are calculated to help offset what he called the current "motherhood penalty." When a parent, most often mom, takes time out of the paid labor force to stay home raising the children, she not only loses the income she would have earned then, but will have lower social security benefits in the future. Gore proposed crediting stay-at-home parents with $16,500 in income for up to five years. By his calculations that would give an average of $600 a year more in benefits to as many as eight million retirees.8

Gore's idea recognized the importance of parenting by acknowledging the contribution parents make to society through the unpaid work of nurturing children. And it offered modest financial benefits, primarily to older women. But the bolder proposal offered here - allowing parents to actually draw social security at two points in their lives - would offer real relief from the time crunch to the millions of Americans struggling to meet the dual demands of job and family every day. As Bryn Mawr economist Richard B. Du Boff explains, "The function of Social Security is one of social insurance. We pool our resources, and make transfer payments to ourselves at appropriate stages of the life cycle."9 In the last century we addressed old age, when too many Americans suffered from impoverishment. Today, compelling needs have emerged earlier in our lives when we are raising our families. A transformed labor force faces policies that have not adequately changed to compensate for the massive entry of women into paid work. Our Social Security system has long been thought of as providing a measure of financial security in return for a lifetime of work. What work is a more vital contribution to the future of our country than raising children well?

ENDNOTES

¹ Steve Farkas, Ann Duffett and Jean Johnson, Necessary Compromises, (New York: Public Agenda, 2000), p. 13.

² Ruth Wooden and Nancy Rankin, What Will Parents Vote For? (New York: National Parenting Association, 2000), pp. 2-3. What Will Parents Vote For In New York?, the poll conducted by Charney Research for the National Parenting Association in June 2001 found views similar to the national survey. In the state poll 31% of mothers and fathers surveyed said "balancing work and family" was their biggest daily challenge compared to 22% each for "their child's education" and "instilling moral values," the next most often mentioned concerns.

³ Public Agenda's 2000 survey found that if they had to choose, "Twice as many parents of children 5 or under say policy makers should concentrate on making it easier and more affordable for one parent to be home during a child's first few years (62%) rather than on improving the quality and affordability of outside-the-home child care (30%). For a fuller discussion see Farkas, Duffett and Johnson, Necessary Compromises, p.28.

Among the policies which drew the highest levels of support in national surveys of parents conducted for the National Parenting Association in 1996 and 2000 were proposals to ease work-family pressures by decreasing work hours.

Proposal	Percent strongly/ somewhat favor
	2000 Survey	1996 Survey
Tax incentives to encourage family-friendly policies by employers, such as benefits for part-time workers and flexible working hours	90	90
A law to ensure 24 hours or three days paid leave annually for family needs	84	87
Letting workers take time off instead of extra pay for overtime	78	79

⁴ "No German children? Then pay up," The Economist, April 7, 2001, p.54.

⁵ Median earnings of full-time, year-round U.S. workers in 1999 were $36,476 for men and $26,324 for women according to the U.S. Census Bureau Current Population Survey.

⁶ New York City's Teaching Fellows program, created in 2000 to draw young professionals from other fields into teaching, is a prime example of an "on-ramps" concept. The program gives recruits accelerated, intensive pre-service training.

⁷ Wooden and Rankin, p. 3.

⁸ James Dao, "Gore Proposes New Benefits For Parents and Widows," New York Times, April 5, 2000, p. A19.

⁹ Richard B. Du Boff, in a letter to the editor, New York Times, August 19, 2001, p.WK12.

*Nancy Rankin is past Executive Director of the National Parenting Association and former Director of Research and Programs.

Fathers Are Primary Parents!

2008-02-20T01:56:00.000-08:00

by Patty Wipfler

Children love their Daddies! Your children love to hear your voice, to see you come in the door, to be next to you at the table, to play with you as long as you can possibly play! One father I know told me that his 15 month old climbed up on his and his wife's bed at 6 a.m. one morning, crawled over, peered in his face, and gently put her finger up his nostril! Your children want contact with you--all of you!

Dads get a raw deal, however. The pressure to earn a living often has a desperate thread woven through it: there's a sense that if you don't provide, dire things will happen to your family! We live in a society in which the lack of any safety net for families translates to a feeling of "life and death" for Dads around work issues. And when work must be pursued in a worrisome way, exhaustion is not far behind. Long hours, worry, heavy expectations, an ever more uncertain working environment, and the threat of poverty all make it harder to enjoy our children. It's also hard to think independently about ourselves as Dads and as men: what do we want to do with our lives, how do we really want to live, what's important to us?

Listening to each other, hearing other Dads talk about parenting and about what's important to them is a first step to climbing out of living under obligation. Just hearing how life is for other Dads can help bring a sense of perspective to our lives: the oppression of parents jams us all in similar ways. Getting a chance to say what your highest hopes are for your relationship with your children and your partner can help lift a trudging spirit. And seeing how good other Dads are, how valiantly we struggle to be our best and to care deeply, lets us go easier on ourselves.

One point that's important to clarify is that fathers are absolutely primary parents. Children want, need, and love their Daddies. Some children grow up without the benefit of a Dad, and they manage well, but you need to know that, whatever your parenting circumstance, your child wants you close!

Children often look like they favor their Moms, and that when the chips are down, it's Mom they want to stroke their forehead or kiss their hurt or listen to the tale of their hard day. But this is usually just the result of cultural circumstance: Mom is nearby more often when the chips are down, because in our culture, Dad usually spends more time at work. (In families in which the Dad stays home, the children gravitate to him in hard times, and it's the Mom who has to work to keep from living on the emotional outskirts of the family.) You don't have to remain on the emotional outskirts of your children's lives!

What helps children grow close are simple things any Dad can do, if he has been clued in to the secret!

Your children love play, especially physical play. So you can get down on the floor and pillow fight, or wrestle, or be a horsy, or play hide and seek. If you are careful to always lose (maybe not by much--children love a good contest), to let them have the final victory, and if you are careful not to overwhelm them with your strength in play, they will laugh and find all kinds of ways to "get" you. The more they laugh, the closer they'll feel to you. Joy and love are built in playtimes like these.
Your children want you to listen to their feelings, not to correct them. When children have played all-out, they feel safe enough to bring up heavy emotions. This is a golden opportunity. They are falling apart over some seemingly small issue: you said that play is over now, or you said they have to put their seat belt on, or they don't like what's being served for dinner. What you need to remember, in order to build closeness with your child, is that she wants you to listen while she cries! If you can love her, touch her gently, say little, and stand by whatever limit you have set ("I'm sorry, but you do have to put on your seatbelt"), she will get the bad feelings out, and will notice that you simply loved her even while she was feeling desperate or mad or sad. It's this kind of listening that helps children feel like you are on their side forever. This kind of listening puts love in right at the most crucial time--when your child feels undone and vulnerable. All you have to do is to be kind and patient. Your child will show you more closeness and trust when she has finished her cry or her tantrum.
Your children want your life to be good. You working too hard and having no one to talk with about what matters to you keeps you remote from your child. Children often say they want the latest expensive toy or clothing, or feel like when the TV breaks, it has to be fixed right away. But saying no to some material things (and hearing your child's full cry about how life can't be lived without the latest "thing") so that you can be in your family's life more is a huge gift to your child and yourself. Go ahead and set limits that you think make sense, limits that allow your life to be good, too.

You belong in the center of your family, close and warmly loved! And we need to work together to see to it that fathers win more time, more security of mind, and more connection to other parents*, so that we can relax and enjoy the people closest to us.

* Take a look at the book, The War On Parents, by Sylvia Ann Hewlett and Cornel West. It's a good outline of parents oppression in the U.S., and what can be done about it.

Saying "I Love You"

2008-02-18T22:41:00.000-08:00

by Jane Bluestein, Ph.D

"I love you". Can any words possibly sound sweeter or offer greater comfort? Is any statement more natural--or necessary--between a parent and child? In many families, these words come easily. But if you grew up never hearing them, saying "I love you" may feel somewhat unnatural to you. Or if members of your family used loving statements to control or manipulate, you may be very uncomfortable using them with your own children.

Many families either don't communicate loving feelings very often or they communicate them in destructive ways. A counselor friend once told me she was appalled to discover that some of her clients had never heard the words, "I love you" from their parents: "I couldn't imagine parents who couldn't say 'I love you' to their children, probably because I grew up hearing it all the time. But in the middle of my shock and self-righteousness, I realized that in my family, that statement was always loaded with expectations for me to do something. Most of the time when my parents said 'I love you' they would stand there and wait for us to say 'I love you, too'. So that statement always came off as a solicitation, rather than an expression of how they really felt about us."

If either of these extremes describe your upbringing, chances are, you aren't using loving statements as often--or as "cleanly"--as you might. A few simple guidelines can help.

Let's hear it! We all need to hear loving statements from people we care about. It may be easy to assume that your kids know you love them. After all, you do love them and you probably do a lot of loving things for them. That's important.

But feeling love for someone is not the same as expressing it. Nor is doing loving things. Loving feelings and loving behaviors are not loving words--and those are important, too.

If you find it hard to get the words out of your mouth, either from lack of familiarity or fear of rejection, start slowly. A parent in one of my workshops confessed to practicing on the dog for a few days before she could get up the nerve to try it out on her kids! Another started by writing love notes to her children, sneaking them into their lunch bags or under their pillows. Both reported such a strong, positive response from their children, that saying "I love you" came much more easily after that.

Let's hear it some more. None of this "I-told-you-I-love-you-in-1985" stuff, OK? This isn't like going to the dentist twice a year. So maybe it's still not easy to say, even with the practice and little successes. Maybe hearing "I love you" even gives your kids the creeps (this is more age specific than anything else and less likely to happen if you don't say it in front of his entire 5th grade class). Say it anyhow. As a gift to yourself, communicate your love daily. At least.

Keep it simple! "I love you" is a complete sentence. We don't need to tie our feelings for a person to the person's behavior. In fact, whenever we connect it to something the other person has done, "I love you" becomes a statement of conditional caring.

"I love you when you make your bed", or "I love you when you make the honor roll", suggest that you love your child because of his behavior or accomplishment. It also suggests that the love wouldn't be there--or be quite the same--if the child hadn't made the bed or the grades. (Don't you love your kid in either case?) You can still be excited and happy about the behavior, but avoid communicating that your loving feelings for your child exist because he's doing what pleases you.

"I love you". Period.

No "buts" about it! By the same token, watch the tendency to use "I love you" as a lead-in to a confrontation about something your child has done that you find disturbing. If you need to address the child's behavior or set a boundary, by all means do so. But deal with the behavior--not the worth of the child, or your feelings for him or her.

If the child needs to clean her room or miss the movie because her chores were not done, deal with the situation, not your feelings. You don't need to say, "I love you but..." to soften the blow. Your feelings are not an issue here.

Besides, because of the way the brain processes the words we hear, whatever you say before the word "but” automatically gets canceled out anyhow. (In other words, if you say, "I love you, but your room is a mess," all the child ends up hearing is, "Your room is a mess.")

Using "but" in the same sentence as "I love you" is confusing and manipulative. As in the previous example, this type of statement suggests that the child is only lovable conditionally. Cut to the chase. Avoid tying the feelings you express to the way the child is acting--good or bad.

No expectations. Say "I love you" because you want to say "I love you." Say it because you feel love toward the person you're talking to. Say it because it feels good to say it.

"I love you" is a powerful statement and lots of times it will evoke a loving response from the recipient. But attaching an expectation for a response to the statement is a set-up--both for you and the other person. If the expectation is there, your child will know it. If he does respond, it will probably be to avoid guilt or conflict rather than genuine, spontaneous caring. Is that what you really want?

If your children haven't learned how to say "I love you" yet, it's OK to tell them that you need to hear those three little words sometimes, too. Then give them some space to risk, practice and learn. By far their best lessons will come from your own unconditional modeling.

Turn the love inward. Next to unconditional love, the best gift you can give another person is the love you give yourself! In fact the ability to love, appreciate and care for yourself is essential to healthy, loving relationships with others.

So, look in the mirror. Look into your eyes. Say "I love you." No "buts." No qualifiers. Say it out loud. Say it often. Mean it.

What better way to affirm how worthwhile and lovable you are. And what better way to practice one of the most basic, most precious and important parenting skills there is.

When your children aren't very loving...

"I HATE YOU, MOMMY!"

OK. You're really working hard on your boundaries and recognize that sometimes responsible parenting means saying "no" to your child's request for Milk Duds for dinner or a plea for a 4 a.m. curfew. If your child is doing her job, you can count on her to occasionally resist you efforts at setting even reasonable limits. And sometimes that means she is going to fight dirty, especially if it's worked in the past.

"I HATE YOU, MOMMY!"

Nothing will trigger anger, shame, shock and a sense of inadequacy faster than this statement. It's hard to hear someone you love tell you that he hates you and not take it rather personally. Children know this. They figure out, often at a very early age, that this is a short-cut to a lot of attention (negative attention though it may be) and often to getting their own way.

So, how do you respond?

It's actually pretty simple--at least on paper. First of all, resist the temptation to talk about how this statement "really hurts me and brings up all my abandonment and inadequacy issues." Sure, tell your therapist or your sponsor, but don't dump on your 4-year-old. (Even if your children happen to have degrees in psychiatry, do you really want to make them responsible for your feelings? They're not, you know, and the burden can be overwhelming even for healthy, well-adjusted adults with excellent personal boundaries!)

Instead, acknowledge the feelings behind the statement: "You sound pretty angry," "You're upset about that'" or even "I understand."

Disengage--especially if you find yourself getting upset. Watch out for the temptation to hurt back. Saying "I hate you too, sometimes!" may be exactly what you are feeling at the moment, but it won't help you, your child or your relationship for you to become a 4-year-old who is acting out. If you need some support, encouragement, reassurance or understanding, call on your adult resources.

And leave the door open for further discussions with your child at a later, and calmer, time: "Let's talk about this in a little bit."

If you are able to stay "unhooked" and refuse to change your mind because your child has said that she hates you, she's far less likely to continue using this statement to manipulate your feelings and behaviors. Plus, you'll be able to hang onto the idea that you're still a wonderful and lovable person--no matter what your kids say!

*Yes this works on Daddies, too.

A dynamic and entertaining speaker, Dr. Bluestein has worked with thousands of educators, counselors, administrators, health-care providers, criminal justice personnel and parents. Her down-to earth speaking style, practicality, sense of humor, and numerous examples make her ideas clear and accessible to her audiences.

Ten Keys to Successful Parenting

2008-02-18T21:18:00.000-08:00

It is important that we discipline in a way that teaches responsibility by motivating our children internally, to build their self-esteem and make them feel loved. If our children are disciplined in this respect, they will not have a need to turn to gangs, drugs, or sex to feel powerful or belong.

The following ten keys will help parents use methods that have been proven to provide children with a sense of well-being and security.

1 - Use Genuine Encounter Moments (GEMS)

Your child's self-esteem is greatly influenced by the quality of time you spend with him-not the amount of time that you spend. With our busy lives, we are often thinking about the next thing that we have to do, instead of putting 100% focused attention on what our child is saying to us. We often pretend to listen or ignore our child's attempts to communicate with us. If we don't give our child GEMS throughout the day, he will often start to misbehave. Negative attention in a child's mind is better than being ignored.

It is also important to recognize that feelings are neither right nor wrong. They just are. So when your child says to you, "Mommy, you never spend time with me" (even though you just played with her) she is expressing what she feels. It is best at these times just to validate her feelings by saying, "Yeah, I bet it does feel like a long time since we spent time together."

2 - Use Action, Not Words

Statistics say that we give our children over 2000 compliance requests a day! No wonder our children become "parent deaf!" Instead of nagging or yelling, ask yourself, "What action could I take?" For example, if you have nagged your child about unrolling his socks when he takes them off, then only wash socks that are unrolled. Action speaks louder than words.

3 - Give Children Appropriate Ways to Feel Powerful

If you don't, they will find inappropriate ways to feel their power. Ways to help them feel powerful and valuable are to ask their advice, give them choices, let them help you balance your check book, cook all our part of a meal, or help you shop. A two-year-old can wash plastic dishes, wash vegetables, or put silverware away. Often we do the job for them because we can do it with less hassle, but the result is they feel unimportant.

4 - Use Natural Consequences

Ask yourself what would happen if I didn't interfere in this situation? If we interfere when we don't need to, we rob children of the chance to learn from the consequences of their actions. By allowing consequences to do the talking, we avoid disturbing our relationships by nagging or reminding too much. For example, if your child forgets her lunch, you don't bring it to her. Allow her to find a solution and learn the importance of remembering.

5 - Use Logical Consequences

Often the consequences are too far in the future to practically use a natural consequence. When that is the case, logical consequences are effective. A consequence for the child must be logically related to the behavior in order for it to work. For example, if your child forgets to return his video and you ground him for a week, that punishment will only create resentment within your child. However, if you return the video for him and either deduct the amount from his allowance or allow him to work off the money owed, then your child can see the logic to your discipline.

6 - Withdraw from Conflict

If your child is testing you through a temper tantrum, or being angry or speaking disrespectfully to you, it is best if you leave the room or tell the child you will be in the next room if he wants to "Try again." Do not leave in anger or defeat.

7 - Seperate the Deed from the Doer

Never tell a child that he is bad. That tears at his self-esteem. Help your child recognize that it isn't that you don't like him, but it is his behavior that you are unwilling to tolerate. In order for a child to have healthy self-esteem, he must know that he is loved unconditionally no matter what he does. Do not motivate your child by withdrawing your love from him. When in doubt, ask yourself, did my discipline build my child's self-esteem?

8 - Be Kind and Firm at the Same Time

Suppose you have told your five-year-old child that if she isn't dressed by the time the timer goes off, you will pick her up and take her to the car. She has been told she can either get dressed either in the car or at school. Make sure that you are loving when you pick her up, yet firm by picking her up as soon as the timer goes off without any more nagging. If in doubt, ask yourself, did I motivate through love or fear?

9 - Parent with the End in Mind

Most of us parent with the mindset to get the situation under control as soon as possible. We are looking for the expedient solution. This often results in children who feel overpowered. But if we parent in a way that keeps in mind how we want our child to be as an adult, we will be more thoughtful in the way we parent. For example, if we spank our child, he will learn to use acts of aggression to get what he wants when he grows up.

10 - Be Consistent, Follow Through

If you have made an agreement that your child cannot buy candy when she gets to the store, do not give in to her pleas, tears, demands or pouting. Your child will learn to respect you more if you mean what you say.

This document is produced by the International Network for Children and Families and the 350 instructors of the "Redirecting Children's Behavior" course. (positive parenting)