Helping Your Child with School

by Patty Wipfler

Children love to learn. Learning is as natural as breathing to them--they absorb every single thing that happens! They learn through play, they learn from the behavior of the children and adults around them, they learn from their own experiments. By all rights, going to school, where there will be new experiences, many children, and a chance to master powerful skills like reading and math, should be exciting and fun for them!

In order to learn well, our children need to feel safe and wanted

Their minds don't function well unless this bottom line condition of being welcome and appreciated is met. At school, they need to know that their teachers like them and think they're special. They need to know that they won't be bullied or made fun of on the playground or in the hallways. They need encouragement, high expectations, and a good deal of fun. Play, which is the language and work of young children, is still deeply important to children of school age. The more they are allowed to play in their learning activities, the faster they absorb information and new skills. At home, children need kindness, affection, and some measure of one-on-one time with their parents, even if it's has to be as little as a five-minute snuggle before going to sleep every night or the ride in the car to the Boy Scout meeting once a week.

There are several basic ideas about helping children learn that aren't well understood in our culture. In fact, they're not well understood in most cultures of the world. For schools to foster learning, and for parents to support their children, we grown-ups need to see that these learning needs of children are met both at home and in the schools. Here are a few of the key concepts that aren't yet well-understood:

• Children need to feel loved, or at least understood and respected, in order for their minds to be clear enough to learn.
  
  
• Children need large amounts of physical affection and closeness. Closeness fuels their confidence and frees their minds of worries about whether or not they're OK. If they're unsure about whether they're OK, they can't concentrate on learning.
  
  
• Children learn best through play and hands-on activities. The best teacher is experience, experience, experience! We need classrooms in which children are doing things together, experimenting, and teaching each other what they've learned. In particular, free play without competition or pre-set rules is a great builder of children's intellect, imagination, and confidence. Jumping on the beds at home, chasing around the house, and wrestling and pillow fights (the children win, of course!) are the kinds of personal, physical play that lift children's spirits and create enough fun that they can manage to stay hopeful even when days at school aren't inspiring. If life feels like drudgery, learning won't take place. So free play is vital. It keeps your child's spark of hope and interest alive!
  
  
• Children need the freedom to make mistakes and ask questions without fear of shame or belittlement. Mistakes and "failures" teach as effectively as successes, as long as a child continues to be respected.
  
  
• Children's keen sense of justice demands that they and others be treated thoughtfully and fairly. Fairness, to children, means limits but not anger, boundaries but not belittlement, facing problems but not attacking people for having problems.
  
  
• When a child isn't able to concentrate or to learn, there's usually an emotional issue that blocks his progress. It feels bad on the inside when you can't think! It feels scary on the inside when you can't do what's expected of you, and you don't know why or what to do about it! This is the position children are in when they can't write a story, can't memorize their times tables, or can't sit down to their homework. They feel upset, and often scared. They also feel alone.

• When we parents see our child caught in upset around learning, it's usually infuriating. Our child's problems make us feel tired and worn. Our thoughts are something like, "By now, he should be able to do school work on his own! Why do I have to get into it?!" We badly want our child's problems to go away so we can get a little peace!

• What helps immensely is something we've always been taught to avoid at all costs. If you can sit close by while your child has a good cry about school, or a tantrum about not wanting to do homework, your child will do the work of draining some of the bad feelings that have paralyzed him. Emotional release helps children focus their attention and regain their ability to be hopeful about learning. Your child won't sound reasonable while he cries or rages. He'll believe very strongly in the terrible feelings he's having. But surprisingly, the crying and the chance to make sure you know how bad it feels inside has a deeply healing effect. So try to keep from arguing and reasoning with him, and stay close while he "cleans the skeletons out of the closet" with his tears and his bleak or angry thoughts. He'll finish. The longer he has been able to cry, the more improvement you will see in his ability to concentrate and to believe in himself.

• Schools are not set up to help children with the tensions that keep them from learning and getting along. This is a job we parents need to do. It's a very hard job, one that was never done for us. It feels all wrong to allow a child to cry on and on without fixing anything, without sending him to his room or insisting that he pull himself together. But listen. Listening heals. Listen your way through a big cry or tantrum once, without trying to "fix" his feelings or solve the problem, and you'll see how well it works to clear your child's mind and restore his sense of closeness to you.
  
  
• The huge need children have for one-on-one attention while they learn is natural. It's the school environment, where so many children need to compete for the attention of just one adult, that's not natural. Children's needs feel bothersome to parents and to teachers, not because the children are out of line, but because our society is out of line. Policymakers and citizens haven't yet decided to give young children enough adult attention in school, and parents enough support at home, to meet natural human needs for support and attention. When schools are genuinely supportive to children, we'll look back at present class sizes, at the lack of support for teachers, and at the lack of services for children experiencing difficulties in learning, and think of conditions in the year 2000 as primitive indeed!

Assisting Our Children, Supporting Their Schools

Almost every child will experience some difficult times in school. And almost every parent feels upset, helpless, and/or angry when these troubles surface. Our strong love for our children and our frustration with a society that doesn't offer much support to its young people makes it hard to think clearly when our children are having a hard time. There are a few guiding principles that many people find helpful when they hit a hard patch

• It doesn't help to blame your child, yourself, or the teacher for the difficulty. Blame wastes energy and makes others feel worse than they already do. Because blame spreads bad feelings, it gets in the way of the fresh thinking and cooperation you'll need in order to build solutions. You aren't to blame. You're working as hard as you know how that this difficult job of parenting. Your child isn't to blame. He's doing the best he can, and is carrying burdens he hasn't told you about yet, or doesn't know how to shed yet. The teacher is not to blame. No matter who has made mistakes, the heart of the matter is the lack of support and assistance for everyone involved.
  
  
• We live in a society that doesn't value its children or the people who work with them. There is talk of the importance of education, and many skilled and good-hearted people working in that field, but too little funding and respect are funneled toward schools. In most schools, human caring and teaching expertise is spread far too thin. You, your child, and your child's teacher are all stressed because learning conditions aren't optimal. Constructive action means to look for people's strengths, call on their good intentions, and perhaps to look for additional help.
  
  
• First, listen to your child about the difficulty. He's feeling hurt and upset, and he can't solve the problem in that state. See if you can be warm and positive enough to help him have a big cry or a tantrum. Children can often work through their feelings of victimization and come up with their own solutions to troubles at school, if they have the chance to offload the feelings in big, hard cries at home.
  
  
• Let your child be in charge of the solutions. After your child has shed big feelings of upset, and after you've spent some time just being close to him without trying to solve the problem, ask him what he wants to do. Listen carefully. There may be a role you can play in advocating for him with the teacher or helping him talk with his friends. But don't assume that because he brought his feelings to you, that he wants you to take charge of the situation. Many times, children can think of how they want to take charge after one or several good cries.
  
  
• If he wants you to approach a teacher or other students, listen well before you attempt to find solutions. A teacher, principal, or student needs to have their
  
  side of the story heard before they will be able to change a viewpoint or cooperate toward a fresh solution. If things aren't working well, they feel badly about it (even if they're acting like they don't). Fresh, workable behavior comes only from a mind that's been freed a bit from its troubles by a good listener, a listener who cares about all the parties involved. Your thoughts are important, and working toward a solution is important. But listening well to the others involved is as vital as tilling hard-packed soil before you attempt to plant a new seed.
• Problem-solving goes better if we find a listener, too! When our children struggle, we feel as frustrated and disappointed as they do! When they meet with unfairness, we want to storm and rage until the threat to them is gone. When they seem to be unable to help themselves at home, we aim our frustrations at them, driving them further into their shells of hopelessness. In short, when our children meet trouble, we feel troubled too. To be good allies and problem-solvers, we need someone to listen to us, perhaps again and again, to how we feel and to the things we've tried. Someone listening to how angry or disappointed or exhausted we feel freshens our communication with our children, their friends, and their teachers. Our problem-solving effectiveness is 100% improved if we decide to find a listener and let them hear our fears and our frustrations before we try to help!

How Listening Works

Here is one parent's experience: "My daughter was given a month to learn all the states and their capitals. I offered to help her learn groups of about six states at a time. After she memorized the first six she felt she couldn't possibly learn all the states, and she had a huge cry. Then she proceeded to learn the second set of six states and capitals, but again she felt that this was too much for her. She had another long cry. She kept saying, 'I'll never learn this. I just can't do it!' She also got mad at me for trying to help, and cried about my 'interference.' I was somewhat confused by this, and wondered if indeed I had gotten too involved in this assignment. In a few days, she again felt hopeless about learning them all, and had a third big cry. Each cry she had went on for half an hour or more. She felt she could never do the assignment, and expressed frustration and anger at me, at the assignment, and at the world. I kept listening and wondering how this was all going to turn out. "

"After the third cry, everything changed. She learned the next sets of states quickly and easily. She took on a set of 18 states and capitals, and did them all at once. Three days before the test, she asked me to quiz her on them, and she knew them all! She was ecstatic, and I think she was amazed that she had done something she was sure she never could do. She was so proud of herself. The day before the test, she was completely confident that she would get 100%, and she was actually looking forward to the test! She usually showed a lot of anxiety around tests, so I'd never seen her like this before. After the test was over, she said she was sad that it was over, and she told me that she wished she could do it again! She has referred to it again and again as one of the major learning feats of her life, and she has thanked me profusely for my help with the project, saying that she never could have done it without me. It was great to see this whole process work!"

Secrets to Being a Great Parent

By Naomi Freundlich

We asked our top child-development experts what children need most from their moms and dads. Their answers may surprise you.

Create Family Rituals:

Having special little customs gives you and your child an opportunity to connect, no matter what else is going on.

Cooking a simple meal together, reading a story every night, planting a garden, playing a favorite board game -- these are the kinds of rituals that kids love. Be creative: One father I know got into the habit of "shaving" with his 5-year-old son every morning, giving him foam and a toy razor. Another gets up early every Friday to take his daughter out to breakfast before they head off to work and school.

It doesn't really matter what your ritual is, as long as it's something you and your child both enjoy. It's important that you continue doing it, even when you're frustrated with your child. This isn't a privilege that you take away as a punishment. It's something sacred that you do, every night or every week or every month, as a way to connect.

The Pressured Child

Know Your Child's Personality:

The essence of being a great mom or dad is to really know your child's temperament and to tailor your parenting style to take that into account. Every kid is different -- even in the same family. If you understand each child's individual personality, and deal with that child in the way that suits him best, you'll minimize conflict.

Two simple examples: If you have a very active child, you should avoid roughhousing with him in the evenings, which makes bedtime difficult. Instead, have him do a quiet activity to help him calm down. Or maybe you have a child who has a difficult time with transitions. If so, you need to understand that giving her an advance warning when it's time to leave the playground will make the shift easier for her. The better you adapt to your child, the less conflict there will be.

^{*Stanley Turecki, M.D., psychiatrist and author of The Difficult Child}

Be A Good Role Model:

Every night, parents should ask themselves, "If my child had only my behavior to learn from today, what would I have taught him?" Probably the most common mistake moms and dads make is that we say one thing and do another. We give our children lectures on self-control and patience, and then explode when we get caught in traffic. We tell them not to gossip, and then turn around and do just that. We urge them to be honest, then let an 11-year-old order from a menu for kids under 10.

That's not to say parents have to be perfect. But when we fall down on the job, we need kids to learn from our mistakes. If you lash out at your child when you're feeling stressed out, for example, you should go back later and say, "I was wrong for yelling at you that way. I should have stayed calmer. I'm sorry." By doing so, you're teaching your child the importance of respect and forgiveness. If you're dealing with a challenging situation, you need to let your child see you're doing your best to cope. When you acknowledge the difficulty ("We're all worried because Daddy has lost his job, but everything will be okay"), you're showing your child that you can manage tough times -- and that will help him learn to do the same.

^{*Michele Borba, Ed.D., author of Don't Give Me That Attitude!}

Encourage Exploration:

Kids love to explore; it's an essential part of how they learn. When parents constantly say "Don't do that" or "Stay away from this," children learn to be timid and fearful of the unknown. Children who get lots of positive feedback from their parents as they explore new things will go on to grab life by the horns.

The most important thing you can do is to make sure your child's world is conducive to exploration. First, childproof your home so that she can roam around without getting hurt. Then you need to pay attention to your daily routine, and make sure there's always new stuff for her to explore. Let her bang pots and spoons in the kitchen, and play with blankets made of different fabrics in the linen closet. Introduce her to a variety of foods. Take her to libraries, parks, zoos, and art museums. If you encourage your child to be an active explorer as a baby and toddler, she will embrace learning throughout life.

^{*Craig T. Ramey, Ph.D., director of the Georgetown University Center on Health and Education and coauthor of Right From Birth: Building Your Child's Foundation for Life}

Set Clear Limits:

Children thrive when they grow up in a home that has structure, limits, and rules. But many parents make the mistake of projecting their own feelings about rules onto their kids. As adults, we don't like people telling us what to do, and we think our children will react negatively to rules. But kids need parents who can impose limits -- and not back down from them.

I'm not saying to make rules just to prove you're the boss. It's important to set limits for a good reason and to explain them to your kids in a loving and caring way. But studies show that having rules and structure makes a child feel safe and secure and teaches self-control and self-reliance.

^{*Laurence Steinberg, Ph.D., author of The 10 Basic Principles of Good Parenting}

Be Your Child's Biggest Booster:

The single most important thing you can do for your children is to let them know you're absolutely crazy about them. Tell them often that they are terrific. Say, "You are the best thing in my life." Research shows that these kinds of messages make kids resilient and help them deal with disappointment, rejection, and the other unpleasant stuff that life routinely hands out. Surprisingly, a lot of children don't know how much their moms and dads appreciate them, and that's because parents aren't getting the message across. Make a conscious effort to be positive -- even when you're setting limits. Instead of criticizing a kid for fighting with a sibling, for example, say something like, "I know that's not your best effort. I'm sure you love your brother a lot more than you're showing him now." That lets your child know you have faith in him, that you believe in him -- and what can beat that?

^{*Kyle D. Pruett, M.D., clinical professor at the Yale Child Study Center and School of Medicine, and author of Me, Myself, and I: How Children Build Their Sense of Self}

Make Family Time a Priority:

In recent years, there has been a lot of emphasis on keeping kids challenged -- and busy. When children are as young as 3 or 4, we sign them up for gym classes, music lessons, sports teams, and more. We're afraid that our children will fall behind if they don't participate in what everyone else is doing. So we've become servants to our kids -- driving them here and there, scheduling our lives around their activities.

I think it's far more important to make family time your biggest priority than to cater to everybody's individual activities all the time. Eat dinner as a family, even if it means your child won't be able to make a soccer practice. Kids should carve out time for grandparents and other relatives too. Children also need lots of downtime when you can all just relax and be together as a family. Family bonds are an anchor for kids: Their activities will come and go, but family relationships will last a lifetime.

^{*William J. Doherty, Ph.D., professor of family and social science at the University of Minnesota, in St. Paul, and author of Take Back Your Kids}

Making your life easier

Juggling work, childcare and quality time with your baby can be difficult, but if you plan ahead you can take some of the strain out of your new routine.

Time management

Being reliable and on time shows respect for your child's carer, so make every effort to be there when you say you will.

Always let the carer know if there's going to be a change to your agreed arrangements. And remember, some nurseries will fine you if you're late picking up your child.

Once you're back at work, explain your childcare arrangements to your employer and make it clear that you'll need to leave at a particular time to pick up your child.

You may want to arrange for your partner to collect your child a certain number of times each week, to give you more flexibility.

Get organised:

• Make food such as bolognese sauce or casseroles in bulk and freeze portions so you don't have to cook every night.
• Lay out everything you'll need the night before to save time in the morning. Don't get dressed until the last minute or you'll risk being daubed with breakfast cereal or milk.
• Don't waste time at the supermarket, order online instead.
• Aim to do a load of washing every day. Little and often is better than facing a huge mountain at the weekend.

Your feelings

Parents often feel guilty about leaving their child with someone else. To help you cope with this, ask yourself the following questions:

• Is your child being cared for by someone you trust?
• After two weeks, does your child seem settled with the carer?
• Are you able to concentrate on your work while you're there?
• Is your job necessary, either because you need the money or because you want to be doing it?

If you can answer yes to these questions, the chances are your arrangement is working well. So concentrate on making the most of the time you have with your child at the beginning and end of the day, and during your time off. (BBCNews)